London

41 - "He loves me."

Alex

"How have you been?" Doctor Collins asks, just like he starts off every session. 

"Okay," I mumble, having to force myself to talk. "I met up with Thomas and cleaned Harry's and I's house, and I'm still here."

"No panic attacks?"

"Nothing major, just nerves when I saw Thomas."

"How did that go?" Collins wonders, putting down his cup of coffee while I take my own in hand. 

"I had fun, actually. We talked a bit. It was nice to see him, but I have no clue what I want."

"And how was it cleaning out the house?"

"It went better than I expected. I didn't cry once, but it was hard still."

"You are still on your full dose of medicine that weaken your emotions. It might be time to change them a little bit," he says, scribbling something down in his notes. Seeing the notebook makes me feel uncomfortable. It is full with notes about me, different to the one that is back in Harry's possession that clouded my mind since I saw it. It's hard to imagine him drawing me, and to think he'll never touch my skin again. 

"And am I doing the right thing?"

"Considering what?" He asks, looking up.

"Harry. I need you to tell me I am doing the right thing by leaving him."

"I've been wanting to talk to you about him, maybe this is the right moment," he starts, ignoring my question like I expected him too. "You once told me you hated him, and I want to dig a little deeper when it comes to that."

"When did I say that?" I frown as I try to remember when I spoke those words.

"In one of your rants in the very beginnen when you saw me as him. You felt as if he ruined you. Almost as if you blamed him for becoming depressed."

"So I am depressed?" I ask quick, but he shakes his head.

"No, we'll come to that later okay? Harry first."

I close my eyes because that helps me remember people. Harry isn't hard to recall and his face is clear as day. The first time I felt anything else but love for him was after my mother died. It's a dark period of our relationship. We had rough patches before like when he decided not to tell me about his mother's sickness and his worries about Zeno's drugs. We got through that although I believe it mostly had to do with my father's death. That sort of things are either bound to let you grow apart or become closer. For us it helped, but not when my mother died.

"When my mother died, I failed to talk to him about it. I think it were the first real cracks in our relationship. I mean, we had problems and fights before, but for me that felt bigger than my jealousy or him not telling me everything."

"Why so?"

"Because through it all, I had always been able to talk and explain my feelings to him and then I couldn't. It was too confusing to me and our mothers have always touchy subjects, but not like that. For the first time I was the one to close off and I realized there wasn't much left of our relationship if I did. And he just let it happen."

I take a deep breath, suddenly feeling that anger bubble up like it did the first few days I was here.

"And not just that. From the start he has pushed me to get out of my comfort zone as if before I wasn't enough. And I'm still not enough. He made me change while my life was perfect before. I had a boyfriend who loved me and I never partied or did anything stupid. But he pushed and pushed all direction out of me. I only wanted to settle down and start a family and five years later none of that has happened and he laughs away the idea to have children now. And being back here all I tried to do was to be more like the girl I was and I failed and he had everything together."