London

59 - "Just be."

Alex

Lexie, Lexie, Lexie... the childish part of my brain has always had a reaction to the way he says it. Besides the way it sounds, I also know he only says it when we're in a good place. Or more when he is in a good place. After we first got together he stopped using it along the way. We fell in to a routine in Palas, a rut, and stopped talking. He then only referred to me as Alex. It's stupid to remember that, but every time he did call me Lexie made me feel closer to him.

Thinking of that time also scares me. We have lost sight of each other so many times, and are we really doing the right thing here? I thought so when we were lying on the living room floor, but maybe it was only lust and I couldn't control it like I was able to with Thomas. When he came to my room I wanted it to happen, but I'm not so sure about Harry. Because I'm frightened that either him or I will fuck up in the end. Which is ironic, because we already fucked, but sleeping together would mean so much more. I know that once I let that happen, there is no turning back for me. But it also feels inevitable to happen. 

My mind is racing and I wish I was still on my full doses of anxiety medicine because that really helped calm down my mind, but I'm no longer on those, only on anti-depression and Doctor Collins is also planning to take them away. Right now I wish it was the other way around so that I can fall asleep. 

For a second I think of texting Liam to vent, but he's on holiday and so far he seems to be sort of happy to be away from me and to not keep me in track. I'm truly like a child to them, and I feel like one too. For God's sake. I'm twenty-five, almost twenty-six, and still don't know what is right. Didn't it feel good to be with Harry tonight? Shouldn't that for once be enough? It fucking should.

Quickly I get out of bed and hurry down the hall to Harry's room. I don't bother knocking because I know he wants me there. He made it clear as he stripped down in front of me.

He's already asleep, the typical guy he is, and doesn't wake up from me opening the door. For a second I simply stare at him, his hair short, but longer than it was a year ago. It curls like it used to do back in the day. I can't believe it has been six years since we met. Six years that have been anything but perfect, but I survived. I can't possible expect that from now on my life will be perfect and that neither of us will make mistakes. We will disappoint each other, face challenges and fuck up, but there is no one else that I want to do that with. I tried, and he tried as well, to move on. We never could, so why would I hesitate now that he's showing me with everything he has got that he wants to be in my life? 

Quietly I lift up his duvet and slide down under, waking him up in the process. My plan was to slide against him and wake him up by caressing his skin like I know he loved at the funeral, but I guess my weight on the mattress doesn't go unnoticed.

"Hey," I whisper. "Couldn't sleep."

"Hmm," he mumbles as she scoots closer, his body touching mine but he keeps his hands to himself. "Why not?"

"Why not? Why do think? I'm surprised you're able to sleep."

"I was tired from our activities, I think," he says and even in the dark it isn't hard to see that he's smirking. 

"About that.. sorry I sort of kept quiet afterwards. I was just a bit overwhelmed."

"I know. My moves are quite extraordinary," he jokes and I swat his arm.

"Harry, I'm trying to have a serious conversation here," I tell him but he doesn't take the message and blows a kiss on my arm while pushing air through it, making me laugh. 

"Why so serious all the time, Lex? Everything has been so shit lately, let's just enjoy each other's company and not think everything through so much."