London

54 - "I'm falling apart here, Alex."

Alex

For the rest of the funeral I stay by Harry's side. He needs me and in a way I need him. He's right to think that I'm only doing this out of guilt, but I realized something as I saw him today. That he still calms me when I'm about to spiral out of control like I almost did on the way here. And something way more upsetting- that after everything he put me through, I still love him. That is the only reason why I'm able to survive this day. To go through all the pain of losing my own parents, and the pain that Harry experiences as his mother is cremated. And the upsetting thing of all is that I feel like he deserves my kindness. 

During one of my sessions with Doctor Collins I came to the conclusion that what he did was wrong and unforgiving, but that he did it because he loves me. He wanted to keep the pain from his mistakes away from me, not so that he could continue an affair but because he didn't want to hurt me. And I don't want him to hurt any more than he needs to on a day like this. So I'm besides him when he meets his family for the first time in years.

I keep myself in the background as he talks to his uncle and aunt, but learn that only his uncle came to her goodbye-barbeque. His aunt found it too difficult as she lost her husband to cancer as well and Ellie wasn't there to help her sister grief. 

"I doubt we'll see them again," Harry mumbles as we watch them walk away.

"They seem shaken up though," I say and he nods. 

"The service was lovely done, that's why," Liz says for the fifth time today, and I think that the entire service wasn't to her taste and that she's saying it so many times trying to make herself believe they did the right thing by respecting Ellie's wishes for a sober funeral. 

"Don't you find it weird that there's this whole side of your family that you don't know off and probably never will? They probably have children who could have been your friends growing up. They seemed nice."

Maybe I'm so curious because I spent the entire train ride here thinking about my own family that I don't know off. Both Harry and Liz don't seem too thrilled about this possible 'nice' family.

"I know they have children, but even if I decided to stay in touch my relationship will never be like it is for you and Sage. So I don't think I'll call them anytime soon."

"Okay," I say shrugging my shoulders. "That's fine by me. Is that the only family that's here for her?"

"Yes, the rest are some of her nurses and I see some people from my father's side of the family," Harry says and he shifts in his seat when he mentions his father. 

The man even makes me tense up and I wonder if he's going to come up to his children, but he's keeping his distance for now. Part of me wants to ask Harry if he minds that he's here, but I'm interrupted by one of Ellie's nurses.

"Oh Abby," Liz declares, "how come I haven't seen you the entire time?"

Abby, so it seems is her name, grants Liz a small smile. She's with a man and behind her is a young child who looks as if she just died herself out of boredom. 

"Maxie here, she wasn't feeling alright. But it was a beautiful service. Just like she'd wanted."

"Hope you are alright now?" Liz asks her and the little girl nods, then looks away again. "Good."

"Well, we're off now. I guess we won't be seeing each other for a while," Abby says and she only now looks at me, then finally looks at Harry.

Liz stands up to give her a hug and I glance over to Harry.

"Thanks for all you did for our mother," Liz says, "she very much appreciated you all."

"I know, she was lovely, you all were," Abby says, and this time her eyes stay on Harry.