London

25 - "I'm not the one fucking Susie."

Alex

Traveling to Liam is something I thought I wasn't scared off. I mean why would I? It's not as if the panic attack happened there and I have traveled back to talk to Logan. But something final was in that process maybe. Returning feels a bit weird.

After Harry and I spent some time together Sunday and yesterday I truly felt as if things were going to change for the better. That Harry telling me he's worried and wants me to open up is enough to make it all work. But I think I was fooling myself. Believing the part I was playing with the best features of Old- and New-Alex. There's no such thing, I remind myself. There's just me and on my own it's not enough.

With shaking hands, a heartbeat that goes too fast and the inhalation of an excited puppy, I arrive in front of his flat. I'm not sure if I'm actually scared to come here because of what happened and am afraid it happens again or that I don't function without Harry that I have to put up a good face for.

As I wasn't feeling well in the bus here, I texted Liam to wait for me outside. The good friend he is, he's waiting at the bus stop.

"Hey," I greet him hoping to pull off that I'm feeling fine instead of on the verge of dying. "Thanks for waiting. I thought we could maybe walk for a moment?"

"I'm not dressed for that," he says and I see he's wearing pyjama pants.

"Lazy motherfucker," I mumble. "Let's get you back in bed."

"I wish," he says.

"You were the one who wanted me here so early," I tell him and he rolls his eyes.

"I have coffee and croissants. I got them in this pants because I love you. Now let's get inside. I'm freezing my balls off."

"Never knew you had those," I mumble as I cross the street after him.

"Heard that."

With a small grin I walk after Liam, feeling slightly better than I did on the bus and tube. It's as if all the strangers you meet while traveling see right through you. If I lock eyes with someone I expect them to jump up and scream at me for faking my way through life. Never really knowing who I am or what I want. It's as if everyone and everything is closing in on me and all I can do is close my eyes and exercise my breathing. I know that Liam already knows that so I don't need to pretend around him.

The heating is on full and it actually feels like steam when I step inside Liam's apartment. He only lives there with Nina now and I wonder if they're planning on getting new roommates. The doors to both her brother's room and Logan's room are open and they're much larger than their own bedroom.

Our conversation goes from his work, to my work, back to Harry and Nina as we eat his breakfast. It's easy to talk to Liam although he's honest and doesn't hold back, he also never judges me. Doesn't mean I tell him everything, but I always feel as if Liam knows anyway.

"So you and Harry are getting a child?" Liam asks and I shake my head, feeling the corners of my lips curl up.

"No, not anytime soon," I tell him and I know he's referring to the dog Harry wanted to get.

"Are you happy with it?" 

"I guess it would be nice to have a dog at home, but his reasoning is wrong. As if a dog will help me."

"Just don't be horrible about it to him, it was a nice gesture. You should be thankful."

"I wasn't horrible, what makes you think that?" I frown and pick at the croissant in front of me. "And you always tell me how I should be thankful for him. Makes me wonder what you tell him about me."