London

23 - "We live together, Alex."

Alex

Alex: Liam, I'm not scared to come to your place. 
I do wonder if you're scared to come to mine? 
I never see you here either so please stop bugging me
and Harry and tell your girlfriend to not talk so much...
Anyway, send me the vacancy at your work if you feel like it.

Alex: Sage, how lovely that your first trimester went so well. 
Can't wait to see your little bump. 
Stop by whenever you can. I'm off tomorrow.

Harry comes back from the bar with two hot chocolates in his hand that he sets down in front of us. It's a lovely pub and we're sitting in front of the window overlooking the street I work in. Across from us is the pet store where for a moment I thought my life was going to shit. But he ushered me here where there are no waiters. It gave me time to answer my texts and let my emotions sink.

He sits down next to me and we both face the window. Maybe that makes it easier for us to talk if we don't have to look at each other. Either way we both stay quiet for a while. Neither of us ready to speak. It's when my phone lights up to show a new message from Liam when Harry opens his mouth.

"I wanted to tell you something this morning," he says and I remember how he suddenly sounded so serious at six in the morning. I still don't want to hear it, but he keeps on talking anyway. "I am worried about you. I feel like you haven't been yourself since you've been back here."

"In what way?"

"Sometimes I don't even see the girl I know and you only show me glimpses of yourself. I don't even think you realize it yourself. It's like sometimes you don't want to be here. As if you only came back because Liam did."

I don't know what to say to him. Maybe he's right, I don't know. At this point my emotions and thoughts are too confusing to make sense of it. I did come back with mixed feelings, but I didn't realize he noticed or that I'm hurting him with it.

"And I know you started drinking and try to keep it from me. We life together, Alex. Sometimes you act as if I don't notice things or aren't interested, but I am. You are my best friend and I can't stand the thought of losing you. I don't care if you never are able to have sex with me again," he whispers it almost. As if he finds it difficult to tell me this. I know it doesn't come natural to him to talk like this. To neither of us. "Lex, you need to try to open up more."

Tears started to roll down my face around the part where he said I'm his best friend. That first year in Palas hearing him say that we were friends was something I had to drag out of him and when he did say it, it made me feel on top of the world. That year I also was an open book to Harry and he wasn't to me. I don't know where that shifted or why. The last time I closed off on him it was because my mother had died and I didn't know how to deal with it. Around that time my panic attacks started and although they have been away for periods of time, I've never been cured of them.

"I'm so sorry for ruining the day," I say quietly.

"Don't be," he says.

"But I am, what were your plans?" Although right now I rather just crawl back in bed. Our conversation has tired me out and I still don't know what to say to him. "What is it?"

"It's just and I hope you don't take this the wrong way," he warns and I brace myself for whatever is coming. He looks years younger suddenly, maybe a weight is of his shoulder now that he has spoken about his worries. The dimples in his cheek are as visible as ever and I can't help but smile back."I know you want children and I don't right now, I'd thought it might be nice to get a dog. We managed fine with Nothing and maybe it helps you. Makes you feel less alone and you'd have to get out of the house more."