London

52 - "A happy one."

Alex

Flashbacks of the phonecall Rob made me years ago come back clear as day. It shocks me to feel the chills I felt then so clearly. You're mother has passed away, he had said so quietly, she overdosed. Rob had started to cry then and didn't stop until I hung up the phone. I had been so numbed by it all that I didn't even ask when her funeral would be. Something I regret till this day. All I could think of was her cold body found by someone I don't know. Thoughts if she'd know what she was doing or if it took her by surprise. If she suffered and thought of me. Maybe had regrets about the way she handled her life. Everything I could possibly think of went right through me, shattering the last bit of trust I had in people. It broke me, and I'm broken since.

"Don't cry," Harry whispers and I realize he is just as shocked as I was when my father died. It is surreal to lose someone, especially when you know it is going to happen and you watch them go, and even then, it shocks you to see them lifeless. When Thomas grabs my free hand to keep me steady, I feel the cold hand of my father very clearly.

"I'm sorry, I," I want to tell him a lot more, but can't seem to finish it. I'm an absolute mess.

"Don't be. It's okay. She passed away an hour ago. It was peacefully and Liz and I were both with her. I just wanted to let you know."

"Thank you," I manage to say after taking a few deep breaths.

"I uhm.. you're probably busy, but if you have time you are welcome to come for her funeral."

"Of course."

"Okay, well, I'll send you the details once I know them."

"Sure. Good luck, Harry, with everything."

"It will be okay, are you fine?" He wonders, and I realize he reacts the same as I had after my father died.

You think practical. Your tears are simply used up or come in streams you can't control. It is a weird place to be in after all the stress you experienced before. The week up until the funeral was one of the hardest of my life, but Harry was there to comfort me. He nurtured me, helped me sleep and was hands on when it came to the service. I am no help to him now.

"Yeah, don't worry about me," I tell him, looking up briefly to Thomas. "Will you be okay?"

He doesn't answer at first and I imagine him sitting somewhere, shrugging his shoulders. It would be my answer if I was him since it is such a shit question to answer.

"No clue."

"I know. Just call, okay? If there is anything I can do."

"I will. Bye," he speaks quick and he hangs up before I can tell him goodbye as well.

I let my phone drop to my lap, collapsing right after. It's as if I just lost my own parents again and I can feel that Thomas is struggling as well. His hand shakes in mine as I try to pull myself together.

"Sorry," I mumble, looking up briefly and letting his hand go so that I can use them to clean up my face.

"It's okay." When I look over to him I see that he's emotional himself, but not crying like I still am. He gives me an apologetic smile before starting the car again. "I, uhm, do I need to take you somewhere?"

"To Liam's is alright."

"You're not going to visit him?"

"I'm no use to him now. Just take me home."

He listens to me and starts to drive again. We're only twenty minutes away from the flat and I use that time to calm myself down. But I can't help the images flash in front of my eyes. My father in his casket, my mother all alone.