London

48 - "You love me, still?"

Alex

"Something interesting?" Liam asks as I sit in the kitchen eating my breakfast. I know he's referring to what I'm reading, but I'm not really ready to tell him, yet.

"The pancakes come close to your magic," I reply mindlessly as I keep reading mine and Harry's conversation.

"If you'd waited two more seconds you could have enjoyed mine."

"Well, I wasn't sure how late you were getting up."

"Did you sleep alright?"

"I'm fine, Liam."

"Okay, okay," he says, sitting down in front of me. "Message received."

"You and Nina okay?"

"Yeah, I apologized. I'm not sure what for, but it always seems to work."

"Aren't you lovely," I deadpan.

Liam laughs, and then gets up again to make his breakfast. He must sense that I'm not in the mood to talk. I have taken my medicine, made myself something to eat and now I'm ready to flop down on the couch and do absolutely nothing but obsess over Harry for the rest of this Sunday.

He asked if I kissed anyone and last night it make me feel great. To hear him slip in some jealousy instead of me. That after a night out that was his main concern even when I never even thought of kissing anyone else.

Now that I'm sober I read it all so differently and I'm not even sure if I should have texted him. Maybe I should have listened to Liam and just keep our contact to a minimum, but after lying in bed wondering why he choose to reach out now, I decided that all I could do is text back. It just isn't giving me the peace I had hoped it would bring.

Instead I feel guilty for spending the day hangover and not with Harry who needs my support. But then it also became perfectly clear that I am single and that me and Harry are simply acquaintances. It isn't my job to be there for him and although I want to, I also don't want to visit him. It would be weird and it would make me feel awful. Although we ended the conversation nicely, it did feel final. We talked about kissing other people and I was clear that I wanted to move on with my life and that that means that I can't see him. The only reason I could text him that so bluntly is because I was tipsy.

The aftermath of our night out is clear for all three of us and we don't do much more than chill in the living room and outside on the balcony. We all don't feel the need to open up a bottle of wine- alcohol the last thing on our mind. Instead we hydrate on water and eat our pantry empty. After a whole day I feel a little bit better and I'm glad that Harry didn't text again.

"Something on your mind?" Liam asks as we sit outside, Nina taking a shower. "I noticed you grumpy today. Wasn't sure if it was just the hangover."

"Combination of both."

"Both what?"

"Headache and Harry's text. I texted him back in the end."

"So you decided that you care about him?"

"Of course I do, but I didn't decide anything. Well, maybe that I want to move on. I told him that, but I'm not sure if that was the right thing."

Liam sits up straighter and a smile plays around his lips. "Of course that is the right thing. Alex, just imagine one second that you'd get back together. How do you see that? Living apart, not knowing where he is all the time? Would you ever trust him again?"

"We'd probably fight. I'd suffocate him, and he'd try to be good and fail. I know it wouldn't work, Liam. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt everytime I lose him a bit more."