Jessica's Fate

Chapter 69

I was startled into an odd awareness on Wednesday morning when Mom decided to sit down and have a chat with me about what I wanted to do for my birthday next weekend. "I'm sorry, what?" I put down my slice of toast dripping with butter and raspberry jam and wiped my fingers off on a napkin before taking a sip of coffee.

"Your birthday party, baby girl. My baby's going to be 19, that deserves a party." She continued as if I hadn't said anything. "Do you want to invite people, have a BBQ here... would Tony be coming?"

"I'm not sure." I said, realizing that I honestly meant that. We'd had a good time at the Academy thing and I liked seeing him interact with people he knew and the fact that Raven knew him and didn't immediately have an issue with him was just as big of a plus as the fact that North had set me up with him.

But the awkwardness of intimacy ... well... unwanted...? Intimacy. I wasn't even sure that I could call it that because somewhere deep inside I did crave intimacy but I just wasn't sure if I was ready for it or if Tony was the one I was supposed to achieve it with... I didn't know.

I still was confused about the fact that I had the same butterflies with Tony that I'd had with Zack and even now, if I thought about Zack, they came back.

And I didn't know what to do about them because as much as I'd like to seriously hate on the one that dumped me and broke my heart, I couldn't reach out to him first.

One, because I didn't know where he was.

Two, because the few times I did try to call his number, I got a message that the line was no longer in use.

And three, I wasn't going to be the one to give in first. That was an absolute fact.

And then there was Tony.

I thought I loved him. But I was realizing this week that maybe it was just that I liked him a whole lot more than loved him. I tried to practice saying it in front of the mirror and every time I got to 'I L..." I hesitated, my mouth working over an I sound or an O sound and leaving me looking like a goldfish with how my lips were moving.

God, I was such a mess.

Things were so much easier when I just baked my feelings away.

Maybe today was a good time for bread dough and random musings with Luke at the diner. I did need to get ahead of schedule. I had a wedding and baby shower to cover this weekend and culinary school started in just about three weeks. I needed to get cakes in their freezer before school started because I didn't know how often I'd be stopping by to bake.

And Luke has always... always been one of my favorite sounding boards. Right up there with Owen, Sean and Sang.

I blinked, realizing mom was staring at me. "I'll let you know." I said. "Would it at least be all right if I invite Raven?"

She smiled. "Of course, darling. Invite who you want but it might be best if his wife didn't come too." She was fully aware of what a bitch Kayli was, having run into her a time or two last summer when we were putting a shower and bachelorette party together for Sang before their ceremony.

I laughed. "Oh no, she would definitely not be on my list. She doesn't like Sang or me at all. I'm sure that if anyone came with him it would be Corey. Corey gets along really well with Victor. They all get along well with your cubs, mama. Just not her."

She shrugged. "If you think you can get them to ditch her for the night, then maybe it wouldn't be bad to invite them all."

I smiled. "I will talk to Raven about it tonight."