I wake up in panic and sit up in my bed, jumping out of the second nightmare I had tonight. I pass a hand over my eyes to rub them tiredly.
I haven't had a good night of sleep since Grayson left, four days ago. I keep having the same nightmare; the one where I chase him down the road and he gets hit by a car.
The one I had before my accident.
I remove my face from my hands and glance at the clock above the TV.
1:20 AM.
I sigh and get out of bed. I walk to the bathroom and stare at my naked reflection.
Messy hair, dehydrated skin, dark bags under my eyes, scars on my left forearm.
I purse my lips and look down at the blood stained scissors on the counter. I pick them up and play with them, looking up at the mirror. I lean in and check my hair up and down.
My perfect sand coloured hair falling over my bare chest.
I take a fistful or hair and begin to chop them off aggressively. Sobs threaten to escape my mouth, but I force myself to remain quiet.
I keep cutting my hair off shorter and shorter until it reaches my shoulders. I run my hands in my hair to get it a little volume, a smile cracking on the corners of my mouth.
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I back up a bit to stare at myself.
It actually looks decent. Who knew a break down could go that well?
My gaze moves down to the plane of my belly. I gently stroke my stomach, tilting my head slightly to the right.
Fuck, I lost weight.
I walk back to the bedroom and sit on the edge of the bed, hiding my face in my palms. I take a few deep breaths, some of them sounding more like a wheeze due to my silent cries.
Why the fuck did he want to take a break?
Why the fuck did he leave me behind?
I jump off the bed and rushes myself to my purse. I pull out the third bag I was supposed to give to the buff guy and rip it open, spilling the powder on the table. I pull out my credit card and split the powder to make a tiny line. I bend down and press a finger on my nostril.
I stop before doing anything.
Something moved inside of me.
I bring both of my hands to my belly and squeeze my eyes shut as something keeps swirling around in my stomach. I bring my hand to my mouth and run to the bathroom. I bend over the toilet and throw up the smoothie I drank before going to bed.
