Musha And I (and them)

Drowning

I've been drowning for years now.

Some days I'm closer to the surface with sun shinning on my face.

Or I'm wiggling my toes as the water brushes up to my knees.

Other days I'm so far down that I can't see anything within a foot of myself.

My life has been a constant balance of my feet being covered in water and drowning completely.

But you know what?

I still cherish the days where I'm just below the surface.

The days that remind me of the times from before I ever stepped foot in the water.

The days where I'm only deep enough for the water to reach my knees.

The days where the water used to be so far away..

All of this is sad but do you know the saddest thing?

When the water comes up to your feet but then a wave comes and drags you back under.

It's even worse when you have no idea where the wave came from.

It also hurts when someone or something that you love is the cause of the wave..

Although this water is tortutous, I've become used to it.

I've become used to the sudden drowing or the surprising waves.

I've become used to it all...

Most people would probably say that what I go through is very sad or they'll feel sorry for me.

I usually tell them that it's okay because I've done this before.

I've become used to feeling the sudden sting of inhaling water.

I've become used to the burning in my throat when I want to try and scream for help but I've swallowed too much water.

I've become used to the overwhelming darkness of the depths.

I've become used to the water dragging me down even when I try and struggle and fight back.

I've become used to the force of the waves knocking me down.

It's all too familiar.

Almost expected at this point.

But.

There's something else I usually tell people.

I usually tell people that this is okay for me.

It's okay because I've been through it so many times and I've come out again and again.

I may come out tired.

Beaten.

Scarred.

Scared.

Twisted.

Ashamed.

Hurt.

Anything.

But I always come back out.

Even if only for a day or a year.

I still come back out.

And I think, if I've made it this far....

What's stopping me from going further?