where's my mind / poetry, oneshots etc.

when i realised / dear evan hansen

"how did you all realise?" heidi asks from her rocking chair, cupping her hands to a cup of tea in her lap.

evan chuckles and looks down at the fading blue carpet he and his friends are sitting on. "i was ten when i knew i was bi. i'm not really sure what happened." a small smile spreads on his lips. "i remember watching merlin and thinking colin morgan was really pretty... but so was katie! so, um, when mum was in the kitchen, i used her laptop and googled something like i find girls and boys pretty and it came up with surprise bitch you're bi."

he pauses as jared snorts and whispers to zoe, "i am google."

evan rolls his eyes and continues, "then i was sixteen when i found out i was ace. i can't really remember how..." he trails off and smirks at jared, who has suddenly gone pale. "or was it when jared sent nudes to the group chat?"

heidi cackles from her chair, her tea almost spilling.

jared wheels furiously on her, face redder than any red anyone's seen. "it was an accident!" he insists.

alana scoffs. "please, kleinman, we all know you did it so connor could see your dick."

"i was impressed." the taller boy snorts, wrapping his arms round his boyfriend.

"how'd you realise, jare?" evan asks, sipping his wine with a small grin on his face.

jared rolls his eyes. "that's easy. i walked into class first day of year seven, saw connor murphy, and thought wow, ok, i like boys."

zoe smirks. "you sure you didn't realise you were straight?"

"oi!"

"did you fall hopelessly in love with me first time you saw my gorgeous face?" jared asks connor, peppering his face with kisses.

"no way." connor shrugs his boyfriend off of him. "i hated you until year eleven, kleinman. then we had to sit next to each other in biology, and i began to like you. platonically.

"but i'd spent so much time hating you, i couldn't just suddenly stop, so i carried on until year thirteen, when i saw you on the first day there in the autumn sun and you were laughing at something you'd said to evan about his arm, and in that moment, you looked gorgeous."

connor shakes his head, smiling at the memory.

"but then you called me a freak..." he chuckles as jared stares at the carpet. "but that's ok, because that was ages ago, honey.

"i knew i liked boys ever since i watched shark boy and lava girl as a kid, but you were the first boy i had..." he pauses, trying to find the word. "liked."

alana sniffs. "con, that's the most beautiful story i have ever heard."

zoe pretends to throw up. "well, brother dear, you had it easy. you all know that our parents have never been the most... accepting." she laughs bitterly. "so i watching the incredibles with lana in year two and i said to her, wow, mirage is really pretty. if i was a boy, i would date her.

"i didn't really think much of that then, because i thought everyone found girls pretty! i was six! it was only in 2013, when i was sixteen, and england had legalised gay marriage, that i found that there were such thing as girls who didn't like girls-"

"sixteen?" jared asks. "how come you only realised ten years later?"

"mum and dad never really brought the topic up, so i just assumed." zoe scratches her neck sheepishly. "only... you remember that day, don't you, con?"

connor nods. "mum came home furious. ranting about how we shouldn't be able to marry; how marriage is between a man and woman; yadda, yadda, yadda."

"so i asked her, what's wrong with gay marriage? and she looked at me with this... this look of pure disgust, and she said, zoe, don't tell me you're one of them." she stops, taking a shaky breath. "i didn't want her to be any angrier so i said, no, of course not, and hid in my room until tea.

"i started questioning if i was actually gay and then i googled it-" zoe laughs at herself- "and for a couple of months i thought i was a lesbian. but then i saw this really hot guy -no, i am not telling you who- and realised i liked guys too! it was only really near my seventeenth birthday when i labelled myself as pan. it was more comfortable than bi."

heidi sighs. "i'm sorry you two had to go through all that."

"it's fine, mama." zoe shrugs, giving her a smile.

"so, it was all thanks to sims freeplay i found out i was attracted to girls," announces alana, who hasn't entirely figured out sexuality out, trying to brighten the mood.

"really?" evan laughs slightly.

"yes! gracie was playing it when i was nine and she was fourteen, and i was watching her play, and she told me, look, i'm going to make these two marry. and i laughed -i was really confused- and i said, but they're both girls. and she laughed too and she turned to me and she said, la, two girls can love each other, like hazel and julie here. so that was the first time i learnt about gay marriage.

"then i was year five and i had this huge crush on a girl. i came home crying to my mama and asked her if it was normal, and she cuddled me and told me that she still loved me and she was proud of me. she's been so supportive for twelve years now."

zoe grins and wraps her arms around alana's waist. "i'm proud of you, baby."

"you five are the sweetest," heidi coos, to various protests.

and in that moment, in a small, fading living room, that small group of mismatched friends almost forget about their struggles. they let go of their past and let in the future; a future of happiness; no more pain; no more fear.

a small family in a small living room, where the alone aren't so lonely.

•

1024 words wowie

thank u to the wonderful lgbtqwritingprompts of tumblr for this prompt tho i don't think i did it very well but i tried :))

alana's story was mostly based off my own, with the whole sims freeplay and crush in year five, tho i'm still not out to my mum agh

i was gonna write in this bit where heidi came out as bi:

"

heidi chuckles and places her mug of tea on the bookcase next to her. "well, i realised i was bisexual when i was forty-eight."

evan chokes on his mouthful of wine. "mum, you- you are forty-eight."

heidi just smiles.

"wait... so you're-" zoe can't keep the grin off her face.

"does being bi run in the family or something?" jared jokes, while also smiling wildly.

heidi blushes and glances at her son, who is almost crying.

"you know there's that theory that lesbians can smell each other, right?" alana giggles, pushing her glasses back up her nose. "and that the gays become friends before they even realised they were gay?"

"

but i think it kinda destroyed the mood idk

izzy i love u i hope u enjoyed this

stay safe,
-jem ✨