where's my mind / poetry, oneshots etc.

why deh is important to me

MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING!! heavy talk about eating disorders, anxiety, ptsd, triggers, abuse, suicidal thoughts, death/dying, self hate. please be careful

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so i've written poems about it but my sister was diagnosed with anorexia on my eleventh birthday.

we've been fighting it for just over two years now, and i've got to say, it's been the worst two years of my life.

my sister and i were never really that close. she was mean to me when we were younger; she pinched me, yelled at me, etc. so we've never really been that close.

i feel like i've never properly known my sister. it basically went from oh u can't trust and you're afraid of her to haha now u gotta deal with anxiety, triggers, and mild ptsd from her eating disorder that u blamed on yourself for the rest of ur life have fun! so i never really had a chance to reconnect and properly learn to love her.

we're getting closer now, though. i'm learning to trust her and forgive her and love her, which i'm super proud of, because she's really damaged me a lot, however unintentional it was.

i discovered dear evan hansen around a year ago, maybe? my first go-to relatable character was evan, with his anxiety, but then i realised that zoe and i are actually quite similar.

we have both suffered from abusive siblings; struggling with our siblings' death (or near death, in my case); simultaneously hating and caring for them. she has helped me realise that i don't have to miss my sister, because she was horrible to me growing up and she's indirectly given me a bunch of bullshit to deal with basically by myself.

even though my sister hasn't died yet, my mum said she might have to go to hospital. that's when i really found myself thinking, would i miss her?

i came to the conclusion maybe. sure, she had broken me, but she was my sister. i had grown up with her. some days, i had to force myself to care for her; when others i could do nothing but cry.

zoe helped me realise that i don't have to miss someone i don't love. i don't have to sing requiem for someone i don't miss. my sister was horrible to me, so why should i grieve her. her being my blood isn't really a reason.

so i guess zoe is my coping mechanism idk. that if she does end up dying, i won't have to miss her. she had (and still is) put me through so much that no eleven year old should ever experience. and three years later, i'm about to run out of a classroom crying because someone retched after swallowing gum; i have an anxiety attack in class learning about eating disorders; i struggle eating food myself because i get so anxious; i hate spending a long time in the bathroom; i can't be late because lateness reminds me of too many bad things. i was suicidal for a solid two years. i was eleven years old, thinking about killing myself.

however, my sister is recovering, and so am i! my other sister is still badly effected, though, she really struggles with eating and it really worsened her anxiety. but all three of us are getting better, and i'm so proud. we've come so far and survived so much.

so this was just a lil rant/vent type thing idk zoe murphy deserves more respect for what she's gone through i love her