where's my mind / poetry, oneshots etc.

descriptions / dear evan hansen

connor sticks out like a sore thumb, with his tall, slim body, dressed head to toe in black. he slouches, –has bad posture– but not on purpose. it was from his 'emo days,' as zoe calls them, when he tried to hide and make himself smaller. less noticeable. and if you catch his eye, he'll smile, because he's trying to get better. he still isn't perfect, –far from it– but alana told him that smiling when you're not happy tricks your brain into thinking you are. he doesn't like the looks people give him. you can tell he's been through hell and back from the grey pallor of his skin, and the callouses on his hands; how his jaw clenches; the slight wheeze in his breath; stiff shoulders; drumming fingers; shaking knee. he's really trying his best to get better. he doesn't want to scare people anymore. and you can tell that he is getting better: he closes his locker more gently; speaks less hurriedly; doesn't command a chilled silence like he used to. people don't stop their conversations when he enters a room or passes them in the hallway. everyone missed his smile, and they're glad it's back, even if it's just a twitch of the lip. and so is he.

and then there's alana, who is somehow nothing and exactly like him. there's connor, in his black skinny jeans and leather jacket, and alana in her mom jeans and feminist t-shirts. you can tell when she's near: she radiates a sort of cheerfulness, like how everyone is happier when the sun in out. she will grin at you and ask you how you are, –help you out– but there's something behind the crinkles in her eyes, and something suspicious about her smile that seems almost too wide. she loves people, and she's trying to ignore the nausea in her gut when she eats in front of them. she won't believe that she has anxiety. and no one suspects she does. so she carries on the best she can do: bounding down the corridor in her pastel vans, posture straighter than she is, you'll see her handing out leaflets for cake sales and sponsored walks. forgotten to do your homework? don't fret: she'll be there with hers that you can copy faster than you can say jack robinson. but there's a strain in her voice and a despairing hopefulness in every word that she'll say to you. despite her knowing everyone in the school, she is the epitome of lonely. her eyes get slightly too bright when someone talks to her first; her fingers cling to her jumper sleeves as she walks through a crowd of people; she is all too willing to talk to anyone and everyone. she is so desperate for someone to like her. for a proper friend, not just an acquaintance.

truth be told, she has a small crush on zoe, the girl who is school-famous for being the best member of the jazz band. her fingers are raw from plucking guitar strings –she lost the pick larry bought her and hasn't got round to buying another one– and she's always got a song in her head, just ask. she walks with a slight spring in her step, something she picked up from dance, and she'll accidental blank you if you smile at her. she really doesn't mean to: she's just always thinking about one thing or another, and smiling to a stranger isn't at the top of her priorities. she doodles on everything that she comes across: jeans, shoes, folders, test papers, her hands, your hands, desks– you name it: she's drawn on it. it's an absent-minded thing. she has to keep her hands busy while she's listening, else she just cannot concentrate. but she will rant to you for hours on end about anything she's thinking about, because so much happens in her mind that sometimes it's painful to keep it all in there. and, like alana, she's trying to keep positive all the time. she struggles with intrusive thoughts and she found that trying to be optimistic helped a little. you can't tell she's gone through some shit unless you look incredibly closely: at how she flinches when people raise their voice, or how she'll skip certain songs that remind her of those nights where connor was screaming bloody murder to her and she was trying to drown everything out. but she's proud of her brother. he's recovering slowly, and so is she, but there's still an impenetrable tension and caution around the two. unspoken weariness. she still can't quite look him in the eye, and there's a tightness in her voice when she speaks to him. but she's slowly healing, and she's glad the old connor's coming back.

you would definitely miss evan at a first glance. he wouldn't mind, though. he likes being unnoticed and he hates being the centre of attention. he stands quite distinctly, though, with his hands either stuck to his sides or fingers being picked at. there's a hangnail on every single one of his fingers, and his nails are jaunty from him constantly biting them. his feet are turned inwards and knees slightly bent, as if he's trying to make himself even smaller. he talks quietly and rushed, staring at the floor most of the time, stammering out fragments of words and jumbles of sentences you have to take a moment to sort out in your head. sometimes he'll trail off half way through speaking and you wouldn't notice. no one really notices him much, which he's sort of thankful for. his shoulders are always up to his jaw and you can tell that he's severely uncomfortable with every situation you put him in. he swallows a lot; bites his lip a lot; glances around the room a lot, as if looking for a threat. he's never safe, never still, never at ease. he's probably worsened throughout the years. most people can't remember the last time they heard him speak. he's just the kid who leaves the room in tears during their presentation. he's always hunched over, even sitting. it's as if he's trying to make himself smaller; trying to disappear. and you think he will, one day, and maybe no one will notice. that's the thing he's terrified of the most. yet, his fear is seemingly becoming a reality.

evan does actually have a friend, called jared, although he is always insisting that they're 'family friends' and that 'it doesn't count'. as much as he hates to admit it, evan is his only friend, despite his constant refusal. he is painfully insecure, and everyone knows it, despite his practiced swagger and obviously fake confidence. a lot like alana, he's lonely. he's always nervous, too. his foot taps a beat on the floor, he's always shifting his backpack and fiddling with the buttons on his shirt, and he knows how annoying he is. everyone gives him weird looks when he talks, but evan doesn't, which is one of the reasons why he hangs around with him. he tries to act cool and suave because he just wants people to like him. you may catch him muttering under his breath, or practicing a smile in the bathroom mirrors. you think he never takes anything seriously, but he does, so often and so much that he covers up any feelings and insecurities with humour. it's a cruel trick he learnt. that the world has no interest in his feelings, nor will it respect them. he learnt that the hard way. he'll start talking to you first, even if you roll your eyes and carry on walking. he's the exact opposite of evan: he craves attention and wants to be noticed. he's actually quite charming if you have the idiocy to befriend him. he can make evan laugh and cheer him up. no one has really seen his genuine smile, though. you can tell it's not his real one: his eyes don't curl and jaw is clenched, and he can't perfect it, no matter how many times he's done it in the mirror. he's grappling with the fact that he too is wasting away, and fast, and he despises it. he's gripping onto anything he can to stop himself from disappearing, and, so far, it really isn't working.

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i was rEally bored omg also sorry jared's is so shitty izzy don't murder me but he's my least fave out of the five,,