where's my mind / poetry, oneshots etc.

breathe pt. 1

i've edited this a tad but

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evan didn't realise what time it was until he checked his phone –forty-three texts and seventeen missed calls from his mum.

shit.

luckily, the orchard wasn't too far away from his house and he sprinted faster than he'd ever ran before, feet slapping on the ground like his heartbeat.

"m-mum, i am s-so s-sorry-"

"evan!" a relieved heidi squished him in a hug. "where have you been?"

"th-the, uh, orchard." he flushed, not wanting to talk about the events that happened there. "s-sorry, i lost t-track o-of t-t-time, i–"

"as long as you're safe, ev." heidi laughed. "c'mon, come sit with me."

evan frowned. "b-but–"

"it's friday, evan, and i'm hungry." heidi whined, tugging her son into the cramped kitchen. "did you manage to make the pasta ok?"

"y-yeah, 'though i d-didn't add the s-sauce b-because the smell is a too s-strong. sorry."

heidi smiled sympathetically, recalling what dr. sherman had said about people with anxiety disorders have a heightened sense of smell and can sometimes find some scents overpowering and cause them to feel sick or overwhelmed.

"that's fine, ev. i'm proud of you of recognising what makes you anxious."

evan blushed again and mumbled a thank you and sat down as his mum put two slices of bread in the toaster and hummed a tune. he watched as his mum poured the beans she was heating onto the toast.

"do you want to do anything this weekend? i can see if i can get an evening off?"

evan shrugged. "l-like what?"

"dunno. we could make tacos!" she laughed as evan's face lit up.

"r-really? but it's not t-tuesday–" he frowned.

"so?" heidi laughed.

evan bit his lip. the two had tacos every other tuesday and, call it silly, but having it on a saturday just felt wrong. unnatural.

heidi saw that evan was uncomfortable and squeezed his hands. "hey, i'm sorry. we don't have to, love. just an idea."

"n-no. i would like t-to do th-that." evan said shakily.

"you would? oh, sweetheart, that's great! i'm so proud of you!" heidi beamed.

evan returned it with a small smile, but couldn't help but yell at himself for being so scared of a change in routine. normal people aren't like that. normal people can have fucking tacos on a saturday you idiot stop being so fucking useless–

breathe, hansen, breathe.

besides, what would happen if they did have tacos on a saturday? it's not like the world would end or they would poison him but they could because what if he had an allergy to tacos but that wouldn't make any sense but it could happen like that girl in his year who was suddenly lactose intolerant it could be like that but with tacos but why are you even thinking this much about tacos for god's sake stop–

"you sure you want to do it?" heidi asked, noticing her son's shoulders had tightened and he was staring at the table.

"no, i-i do..." he muttered, still in a trance of self-doubt. "i-i just–"

"evan, honey, sit more forward on your chair... that's it... remember what dr. sherman said? about that you try to make yourself smaller? we don't want you disappearing anytime soon, eh?" she forced a laugh as evan continued to gaze at the table.

"evan, love, you ok?" she asked gently.

"y-yeah, i-i just... i'm s-sorry... i just d-don't get why i'm s-so a-anxious about i-it. i thought i-i was getting b-better." he replied numbly.

"evan, sweetheart... you are getting better. and it's ok to be anxious about seemingly big things. because it'll all be so small one day." heidi tried her best to comfort her slightly trembling son.

as he looked at that tired smile of hers, guilt bloomed in his stomach. "i'm sorry, m-mum."

"you've got nothing to apologise for, love. you see dr. sherman on monday, let's talk to him about it then, yeah?"

evan smiled and nodded, and lifted the paws of his jumper up to his nose. alana had bought him a lavender spray for his birthday a few months ago and he found the smell helped relieved his anxiety.

he hated living like this.

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do other people with anxiety disorders get the smell thing?? like i made cinnamon rolls today but i couldn't be in the kitchen while they were baking bcs it smelt too strong idk