where's my mind / poetry, oneshots etc.

here's to you / poem/rant

tw- eating disorders, ptsd

i promised mama and issy and jo and myself that i was ok. that i could handle it fine. but you can't talk about throwing up or calories without me crying. i tried repressing it but it's just come back to haunt me. i keep thinking about that time in pshe when we were talking about what maisy has and i was shaking and crying like anything.

i thought i was strong enough to handle it by myself. i thought i could get through this by myself. but, in a way, i think i am more heavily impacted than isobel is. maybe it's because i blamed myself. i don't know. but isobel shows that she's not ok. and mama calls me the only normal child. but it's because i've buried everything deep, deep down in my mind. i can barely remember the last two years because i don't want to. i just hear retching and crying and the loud, ghostly voice of kickthepj.

i grew up too fast. i shouldn't have been sitting with you at eleven fucking years old, crying my eyes out, because mama kept saying you'll be going to hospital if you didn't eat. i shouldn't have been cuddling up with issy ever other night, listening to music and youtube on full volume and sobbing into each other's shoulders, trying to drown out the shouting and screaming from downstairs. i shouldn't be worried sick every day for two years that you're going to get worse.

i'm sorry if it was my fault. i'm sorry i didn't realise sooner. i'm sorry if i didn't love you enough. but, truth is, you scare me. you still do. you used to shout at me and pinch me and i flinch every time you get close to me and there's a reason i lean away from you every time you go to kiss me on the head. you scare me. i don't trust you. i'm sorry, but i don't.

so here's to you. to ruining me. to crying into my pillow. to the years of triggers and ptsd to come.

and i'm truly glad you're getting better, and i know it isn't your fault, and i'm sorry, but i'm terrified of you and that he's going to return.

here's to you.