Violentine one-shots (The Walking Dead)

Chapter LI: Dear Clementine,

FAT ASS VENT COMING UP.

Dear Clementine,

It's been a few months since we lost you. It hurts every time I think about it. AJ seems a lot more clingy to me. He's asleep right now In our room. He keeps your spot warm and comfy... He doesn't let me sleep alone and I won't let him sleep alone. It's hard. I can't even begin to think of what he dreams about at night. He had to put a bullet in you. Right in the head. How is life even real? We live in this shitty world, full of shitty people, and shitty walkers, and shitty reasons to keep pushing forward. And I always wondered, what's the point of staying alive... But I don't have to wonder anymore. Once I met you... and AJ, those wonders stopped. You guys answered my question. But you're gone now. All because of some shitty, rotting, piece of dead fucking meat. How am I supposed to move forward from that? Life keeps going, but I'm stuck in place. It hurts knowing that you're actually gone. I saw you die, right in front of my eyes. And it's sad, I let a six-year-old put you out of your misery instead of me. He... He had to do it, all because I was a coward. I couldn't pull the trigger. When I heard you tell him to shoot you and get it over with, I couldn't cope anymore. I was frozen in place. I wasn't in reality. I was stuck in place. My mind kept replaying those words over and over again as you sat there, pleading for it to be over and it broke me. I couldn't be there for you when you needed me. What did you see in me? A charity case? I'm nothing but a mistake. Nothing but a waste of space. I don't even know why I let you get close to me. It's not even your fault that you're gone. Things happen. I won't ever find another lover. I'll love AJ instead. Treat him like he's my son. Treat him like you treated him and protect him with all my heart. The other kids don't understand. They were only sad for a week then went on about their lives. I cry myself to sleep every night thinking about the girl I loved. The girl I love. Clementine. Clementine. A name that won't ever be forgotten. How could I? I'm so fucking pissed with myself and I deserve to be. It should've been me. Not you. All these years of going to church with my grandmother when I was younger... There is no god. He or she or whatever wouldn't take away someone I love. What did I do to deserve this? What did I do to deserve you? You should've just picked Louis instead. He would've been able to protect you... Make you happier than I did. Make you feel alive. Make you feel safe and protected. All those nights you would cry yourself to sleep, stressing over what you would do for the school next, I could never make you smile. I was just... there. And I'm sorry, Clementine. I'm sorry. I hope you're happy where ever you are. I hope you're looking down on us and making sure we're safe if that's how it works. I still have your hat on the dresser.  AJ needs me, so this is goodbye... for now. I love you... I won't ever forget you. I promise. I love you, tangerine.