Forever My Person

39. Contradicting Myself

Cohen

What did I do?
What the hell do I do now?
This can't be happening again.
I can't loose everything again.

No I won't.

I can't.

But I have to.

The look on her beautiful face lingers in my mind. I can't sleep at all, the only thing I picture is my girl broken in front of me. More like shattered. I promised her I wouldn't hurt her. I would never put her through the pain she's been through but I just did. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up.

I wish I could turn the plane around and land back in Seattle and make my girl feel better. I want to drop to my knees and tell her I'm sorry, so so sorry but I can't.

I'm currently in the clouds heading to New York for our game against the Giants. But I can't even go back to her when I get home. Everything is so fucked up. How did I let it get this bad?

I lean my head back against the seat and close my eyes hoping by some sort of miracle in this world she can feel how torn I am. How much I didn't want to leave. It's for her safety and I'll do anything I have to, to keep her safe. I just hope when everything is over with she can understand I did it for her. Please, please let her understand.

I guess by the look on my face no one wanted to sit next to me on the six hour flight but I'm not complaining. I want to be left alone. I only want my girl. The love of my life. The woman of my dreams.

I put my earphones in trying to drown my teammates loud voices around me. I'm ready to get to the hotel and sulk in my misery. I deserve it. I lean my chair back and shut my eyes. I know I won't be able to fall asleep. I haven't been able to sleep for the past two days since I talked to her.
I fucking miss her so much.

******

Finally everyone has left the house. I can tell by the look Ev was giving Avery that she didn't completely want to be left and face me. Little does she know she'll probably be heading over to my little brothers house tonight knowing her she won't want to go to her parents.

I see her close the door tightly behind her and make her way up the stairs. I grip my phone in my hand harder knowing what I'm about to do. This is going to ruin everything.

I follow her up the stairs gazing at her perfect hips that sway back and forth in that sexy way and the way her long hair trails down her back. Even when she's upset she's so beautiful.

We make our way into our bedroom. She pads over to the closet and gets ready for bed. I go over to our bed and sit down on the edge. I can feel my heart is beating so fast. I want to throw my phone at the damn wall. Why can't anything go smoothly in my life? But Ill do anything to protect her. Anything.

She walks back into the room in her favorite pajamas. She looks so cute. I look at her trying to memorize every beautiful aspect of my girl.

I sit on the bed watching as she sits next to me. She releases a sigh and I know she's about to tell me about the phone call. The call that started this shit show. I turn towards her knowing the words that are about to sail out my mouth will be crushing.

"Ev I don't think I can do this." I know I can I just have to right now I contradict myself.

I hear her suck in a breath as if she's just been punched. "W-What do you mean you can't do this? Do what exactly?" She says turning her body fully towards mine.