Day 210

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13 July 2018
Friday 1:32pm

I told you it would be awkward! I was helping Nate with patching up a hole in one of the house walls on request of a couple in the group who brought the children to us and I ACCIDENTALLY BRUSHED HIS HAND WHEN I GAVE HIM THE HAMMER. It would have been totally normal IF WE BOTH HADN'T OF PULLED AWAY. What was I thinking? I'm such a dope, it was just a hand. We both kinda just stood there quietly for two seconds before he went back to fixing the hole and I skedaddled. I'm not sure why he pulled away though...maybe he feels awkward about what happened last night too? I mean it was just a hug right? Just a hug? Friends hug? Olly and I hugged all the time...Who the hell am I trying to kid, the hugs Olly and I have don't feel like that. Sure they are strong, protective, safe hugs. But his have the same feeling of when you hug a family member and that wasn't how it felt with Nate. This can NOT be happening. Why am I so nervous to be around him now? It was never like this before! What am I supposed to do now with my jelly brain? Gosh damn it. Well there's nothing I really can do I guess but ignore it, what would I say? Hey I know people are eating each other and the world has gone to shit but I think I might like you, what do you say Nate? No?! No no no!  Things like that don't happen because it's embarrassing and just no! Not happening. And besides I'm pretty sure he's not interested in me like that.

I gotta go and do something with this nervous energy. I might go do a perimeter check, two of the guys started setting up a small guard detail to help ' keep us safe ' though for some reason Nathan and I aren't allowed to be a part of it. What bullshit. I can do a perimeter check if I want to, they can't tell me what to do.

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