çoxşaxəli

Philophobia (II)

you try to be fair to yourself. you try to think that you deserve to love and to be loved. but you just can't. you can't keep on lying to yourself. you have to accept the truth. though the truth hurts.

you're lost. you've left behind. you can't trust others no matter how hard you try. you cant love again. it's not the same as when things are not as ugly as right now.

you hate to commit again. you don't want to take risks. risks of bearing the pain again.

you can't focus on yourself. you try to cleanse your mind.

but that doesn't help at all.

you try to search for yourself again. the old self that you lost.

you try to learn to appreciate and love yourself.

but you can't.

You tear yourself down inside your own mind.

you strive to be the best possible version of yourself.

you find yourself nitpicking away at yourself. trying to find the things that you don't try enough. that you're being enough.

You tend to get yourself stuck to the toxic and invulnerable.

you find yourself stuck to the people that do nothing but to drag you down. that tries to drag your guard down. vulnerable things have their own risks. it's scary.

You always worry that you're not like everyone else.

you think that you're far away from being normal.

you struggle to love yourself.

the one who reject and criticise you are the one you can easily notice. somehow you can't find a person who genuinely loves you. you think that everyone in this world who hates you are the only normal one.

you wonder if you really are all that cracked.

there's no answer than yes.

"you like to think that you can only love yourself completely and fully once you find all of the answers. you do know that no one has all the answers, not even you. some questions are left unsolved because some questions are worth better than that.

you always see yourself as the victim.

but you're not. no one is. it's just a matter of fact how you would want to see the world. you thought everything will forever go wrong when it comes to you. it makes yourself sink to the thought and you can't difficult to accept.

you like to believe that you deserve this. dont you know how stupid it sounds? you allow people to talk over you. take advantage of you. you think of yourself as the ground, a thing to be stepped on.

you're afraid.

please don't. brave up, and defend yourself when its called for.

you think you're never enough. even as time goes by. maybe if you start to believe that the thoughts of already being enough, wouldn't be so bad. no one cares to judge you. they don't have time for that. stop being dominate.

don't let the voice mess up your mind.

you just need to keep moving and push forward."

Feet firmly planted on the ground you look up at a defiant sky, the dome of our existence. you see no fairness there, no sense of responsibility. Somewhere above this sky, born of the colour of summer Iris, swirling galaxies of brilliant stars.