mattia polibio: my boy

mattia's mind

mattia's pov
i have this feeling of sadness that comes and goes.

obviously, not as bad as y/n to where i wanna kill myself.

but if i could replace some of the very little happiness i had with her new dark state of mind...

i would.

i usually just lay in bed, cry, vape, and listen to depressing ass songs when i get this feeling.

it looms around, comes and goes. i don't know where it comes from or why i get it, but it just does.

but i rarely felt it around y/n. when i was with her i rarely felt it.

she made me happy. and i hated to see her like this. even though she kinda cheated.

the boys were harsh on her. that's just how it is with us. someone cheats on of us and they instantly become dead meat. but they still went to visit her in the hospital. y/n was different.

when i looked into her eyes, i couldn't find her. it was like i was searching for the y/n in the past, but she wasn't there.

she was right. things are different.

her eyes were dark and empty. she had this look of sadness and rage just plastered on her face. i wanted to know what was going through her mind.

i thought about what she told me. you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself. she was right. so why was i trying to make things happen with lena? i'm just going to end up breaking her heart. or the other way around. i don't know.

then i thought about what y/n was doing all those times i was out partying. or just out.

where was she?

alone trapped in her own mind? shooting up? getting raped and abused by fucking michael?

when she could've been safe in my arms?

i began crying. last time i cried over a girl was when jenna and i broke up.

and y/n was there for me.

i haven't seen y/n y/n in so long. i've just seen her body. where was her soul? talking to her earlier at the window, she sounded so uninterested. dead. it made me feel sad.

you know what? i'm fucking horny and fucking sad.

i'mma jerk off.