mattia polibio: my boy

speak

you woke up pretty early. you barley got any sleep.

you walked into the bathroom and looked into the mirror. you saw your own pain in your own eyes.

tragic.

you took a shower. erika was still asleep. you still had that feeling of sadness. it wouldn't be going away till a while. you could tell.

💭i'd really like some weed right about now💭

you had no idea what would happen after you got out of rehab. with michael? with mattia? with your life?

after you got out you brushed your teeth and got dressed. just a hoodie and sweats.
hey, on the bright side. you had no school.

💭so this is my life now 💭

you sat on your bed and looked around. the walls were a creamy beige color. the beds as well.

erika: why you wake up so early?

you looked over at erika who was now stretching. she had socks with marijuana leaves on them.

💭guess she smokes💭

erika: you like me socks??

she said wiggling her toes. you laughed.

erika: trust me, i know. i miss my weed too. but you just gotta trust the process.

she got up and went towards the bathroom. yesterday you had found out that she OD'd on meth. the one drug you never tried. next to crack. and a bunch of other drugs in the world.

you toyed with the bedsheets.
you felt empty.
you didn't want to get up at all.
you lay in bed wanting to die.

staff: y/n?

you looked up.

y/n: yeah?
staff: you have a visitor.

great.

you got up and dragged yourself outside. you wanted to sit in a dark closet and not have any responsibilities or things to do. you just wanted to sit and rot.

then you saw mattia. he smiled and mouthed a 'hi'. you shook your head, lightly laughing.

y/n: you just won't give up, won't you?
mattia: what do you mean? we're friends. and friends support eachother. i told you i'd visit.
y/n: are you visiting because you feel guilty or did you really want to come and visit?
mattia: i really wanted to come and visit.
y/n: well i'm ugly right now so bad timing.
mattia: i think you look gorgeous.

you raised an eyebrow at him and laughed.

y/n: stop.
mattia: what?! what's wrong with me complimenting you?
y/n: whatever mattia.
mattia: so rude.

you tried to smile but you couldn't.

y/n: how many girls did you talk to while we were together?

he had a look of hesitation. great.

y/n: please be honest. i need to know. we're already broken up, so just tell me.

he twisted his lips and then smiled.

mattia: when we were together?

when we were together

y/n: yes. when we were together.
mattia: ok. does uh... intense...flirting... count?

you sighed and looked away. wow. your heart hurt even more.

y/n: yes 'intense' flirting counts.
mattia: just one. but it didn't mean anything.
y/n: you know what else didn't mean anything? that kiss.

he looked at you and tried to hook his fingers around yours.
at that moment you felt so fucking insecure.
you took your hand back.

y/n: was it... cynthia?

he slowly nodded his head.

mattia: but you were the only one i loved.
y/n: same with me mattia. you were the only one i loved when i kissed alejandro. seems like we both made some stupid mistakes and let it get between us. and why?
mattia: what do you mean why? why did i flirt with her or why did we let it get between us?
y/n: both.
mattia: because...
y/n: because of jealousy and insecurities.

he ran his fingers through his hair and let out a sigh. you knew he was low-key jealous of michael. you didn't understood why, but he was.

you almost got distracted by mattia's looks for a second. you missed him.

y/n: we obviously need a break. so stop trying to get back and flirt with me when you have a girl you're talking to.
mattia: y/n i don't even know if i want her! because my heart is so anchored on you!

you looked into his eyes and saw the same sadness and heartbreak you saw in your own eyes earlier.

y/n: i can't right now. WE can't right now. i don't even know if i want or love myself so how am i going to want or love you? i'm not the same mattia. love isn't that easy.

he looked everywhere but at you. you gently grabbed his face and made him look at you.

y/n: do you even love yourself? do YOU even want yourself?

no answer.

mattia: i don't want anything if i can't have you.

his eyes began to water. the sight of him crying made you feel like crying right then and there.

mattia: i'll wait for you. i'll be waiting for you once you come out. i'll drop things with lena. i'll forget about jenna and cynthia and everyone and everything.
y/n: stop. we just need to take a break to get our shit together, ok? just a few moments ago i was your second choice to lena and now you're saying i'm priority. that shit don't make sense.

he looked down at you. his mouth a frown. his eyebrows furrowed. his eyes watery.

you hugged him.

y/n: you don't even know what you want.

you murmured into his chest.

a tear slipped from your eye. he hugged you back. one thing you loved was how you brought out his soft side. something he never showed often. you inhaled the scent of him. god, you missed him so much. but you couldn't rush things. especially when you were still in the process of healing yourself.

y/n: shouldn't you be at school right now?
mattia: yeah but i needed a mental health day break. and i wanted to visit you.
y/n: good for you. i don't wanna hold you for long.
mattia: ok. i guess i'll go. but i'll see you soon.
y/n: haha, ok. bye.
mattia: bye.

you walked off but then

mattia: wait
y/n: hm?

you said turning around

mattia: um, just know that you can get through anything because after everything that's happened, you survived. you're strong.
y/n: haha, what do you think imma do? kill myself? since when did you get all deep and shit?

you said half jokingly. since you low key wanted to just die.

mattia: well, i don't know. just...yeah. imma go. oh, and uh... i'm sorry.

you laughed.

y/n: let's just forget about everything. good bye polibio.
mattia: bye.

he then left.
wow. so that happened.

but hey, at least words were spoken and feelings were shared. you felt a little weight get lifted off your chest.