Chasing my Dream

Chapter 1

Having nothing led me to believe I needed nothing or no one.   It took me a long time to realise dreaming wasn't a weakness and even longer to realise I was worthy of having a dream. 

The first dream I allowed myself was to hope for a life without fear.  It helped me find cracks of light within the darkness.  It stopped hope from fading and pushing myself through another day. 

I was 14 when the first dream I clung to began to flourish. My Father had shot himself at a siege, all I could think of was I was finally free of him.  I shed no tears but learnt that fear of my father was almost compatible to the fear of the unknown.  My dream gripped into my unconscious soul.   I gulped down my fear and awaited my fate.

It thankfully wasn't terrible as my imagination led me to believe.   I was placed with a middle aged gay couple.   They wanted children but were nervous about becoming parents.   They agreed to take me in their home whilst I finished high school. 

Derek was a vet and although quiet his delicate approach to me managed to bring myself out of my shell.   His partner Gerry was a flamboyant semi successful writer.   At first I found it difficult around Gerry and his affection but he never let up and taught me the beautiful fundamentals of a hug. 

They taught me love.   My second dream bloomed.   I wanted to find a friend.  I truly tried with school but it took me a year to bond with my foster dads, my peers lost interest pretty quickly with my behaviour.   Not understanding why I was skittish they proclaimed I was odd and most just avoided me. 

This became acceptable.  I focused on my studies and my painting.   Gerry and Derek pushed me once finding my sketch book.  My favourite kit when drawing was pencil but my dads encouraged me to test out alternative tools and helped me to fall in love with painting.  

I graduated school early and had managed to secure a place at art college when my dads were approached about a 6 year old boy that needed rehoming.   They were ecstatic and the timing was perfect.   My artwork had started to sell through my website and I secured a small apartment near to college. 

College hadn't been anything like I thought it would be.  I thought it may be different to high school with new opportunities with new people.  I was still invisible.   I spent a lot of time blaming everyone else how lonely I was, until I realised what I was doing.  I walked in the shadows, I slipped into and out of classes, I avoided eye contact and any kind of conversations, I attended no social functions and spoke to my lecturers only. 

I was 6 months away from graduation and my artwork was so successful I was struggling to keep up with demand.  I decided to visit my dads and Jacob, as I felt utterly lost. 

I text Derek to make sure they were free for my visit. 

Pria:  Hey Dad have you any plans for the weekend I was gonna come home for the weekend xoxo

Daddy D: Hey kiddo even if we did we would rearrange it to spend time with you.   Are you ok? X

Pria: Missed ya all and wanted to talk through changes to my website.  Orders are crazy and I think I need to make a plan.  Need your organisational skills to help me I'm such a klutz :( xoxo

Daddy D: anything for you.   Gez wants a bbq Friday so head over after classes and we can chat before he tumbles home at 5 X

Pria: Thanks Dad.   How's my munchkin? Can't wait to see you all xoxo

Daddy D: He's such a tinker but having you both has made our lives complete kiddo.  I won't tell them your coming home it will be a nice surprise.  Drive safe X

Pria: see you all tomorrow xoxo

I sighed placing my phone on my bedside table.  I have spent so many days surviving I hadn't considered how I was feeling.  The only thoughts I allowed were connected to my studies.   I was an expert at avoiding my own feelings and I realised I had no idea who I was. 

I can't say I was depressed but I also wasn't happy.   I rarely smiled and can't remember the last time I laughed.  Good grief I was a mess.   I've never spoken about my childhood.   Gerry and Derek offered counselling a number of times but I declined.  I pretended a lot around them, making sure they thought I was ok. 

I took mild sleeping tablets that helped to stop my nightmares but all I've managed to do is suppress all of my emotions.  I wanted to feel.  I wanted to live.  I wanted to stop being this shadow of a person and find myself. 

I changed for bed and send a quick text to Derek to advise I would be home earlier as class was cancelled.   It was a little white lie but I needed go home as soon as I was awake and tell them everything.