Forget me | Yenyul

XXXIX: Depression II

I woke up around 5:00 in the afternoon as I went to the kitchen to look for food.

"Yuri, here I prepared this in case you wake up. I hope you've finally cleared your mind after a few weeks" Eomma said as she prepared the food that she made. After preparing she left the house and went to do errands.

"She didnt notice the wounds on my arm" I stared at my arm for a bit while eating my food. How could she not have seen this? Is seeing this a good thing or a bad one?

One, two, three, four ... I tried to count how many cuts were there but some of them were overlapping so I gave up on counting.

Why did I even cut myself yesterday? It didnt feel like me, it was like i'm possessed.

You cut yourself so you could feel the pain.

What pain? Isnt emotional pain good enough?

Instead of forcing it all in your head. Physical pain might be a good alternative.

I looked at my arm, it makes me embarrassed. Why did I do this? But I did felt so alive yesterday.

So I guess this isnt a dream, it's reality. That makes it even more sad. In dreams you could have troubles but it'll all be gone once you wake up. But in reality your troubles wont be gone, they'll even chase after you.

After eating I washed the dishes as the 'thing' kept on grabbing my attention. I tried to just continue washing the dishes and avoid it.

Do it! You know you want to ...

But it's wrong. Wasn't yesterday enough already?

She's gone Yuri and you know it. She is GONE, everyone will just leave. Stop giving them a second chance on leaving you again.

But ...

The pain, It's hard to bear right? You know you want to do it, so just go.

The pain ... you're right. It feels like my head is about to explode. Tears are already falling and my body wants t give up as well. The pain, the pain from my head must go away.

I grabbed it and cut myself again. Just when some of the cuts were healing, it bled. After letting it sting for a bit, I finished washing the dishes including the knife that I used. I cant sleep with a bleeding arm attached to me, so I washed it.

Doing it felt like a sin yet it was so rewarding. I felt like I could breathe even when I couldnt.

I went back to my room and slept again. That's the only way for these thoughts to stop.

"Yuri wake up, Jo Yuri?!" Eomma woke me up and pulled me into a hug. She had tears falling and I have no idea why. "What happened to your arm!? How could you make me so worried like this!?"

She grabbed my arm and hit it a few times. "I'm sorry ... does it hurt?" I shaked my head, it stings a bit but it felt normal for me.

"Did you wake me up for that?" She wiped her tears and sat down. "No, there's actually someone here to see you" see me? Who? Minju?

She opened the door revealing Yena unnie. She had this small smile in her face. Eomma told me that she'd be in the living room as Yena unnie slowly walked to me.

She held my arm and felt the texture of the scars. "Yah, dont do this ever again. Look at this! Does it still hurt?" I slowly shaked my head as she kissed my arm.

"Wh-wh ... How did you know that i'm here?" She smiled at me. "Of course I know, anything is possible"

"But ... you, you're in Japan with Chaeyeon unnie. And you dont answer your phone anymore and ..." she placed her finger on my lips. "Shhhhhh ... i'm here now and that's all that matters"