Trigger warning for this chapter okay, if anything to do with self harm may trigger you, please don't read ♥
Dan's P.O.V
"Fuck" I hissed, slamming my fist into the wall.
I hated this. I hated toying with Phil like this. But I had to. I promised my dad I'd get through this gay phase. I can't believe I ever thought I was gay! Fucking hell no. I think living with a boy just toyed with me a little, but no, Phil is my best friend, that's all, that's why I'm running a few.... Tests on him, per say.
My dad told me, on the phone, to act closer, to Phil for a few days, kiss him, touch him, let myself trick him. Apparently it'd make me realise how wrong what I was doing is, to be with another man, and if I feel anything more than friendship towards Phil in what I'm doing, to punish myself in some way.
My dad was only trying to help... To clean me.
But I felt dirty, dirty and wrong. Not because I was with another man. But because it was Phil I was toying with, he really didn't seem to like it, and the way he looks at me... When I walk into a room. He looks scared. Scared of me.
I sat down resting my back against the wall, holding my face in my hands. Bursting into a loud fit of tears.
If my dad was here, he'd tell me to man up, it wasn't that bad, I'd make other friends. Not like Phil though.
No one is as good as him. He's so... Pure?
Perfection, not just in looks, but everything he does, his breathing is what keeps me going. I doubt I'd still be here without him. First time I saw him, he was just a scruffy haired northern boy, talking to a camera, smiling, laughing, and had eyes as blue as the ocean.
He took an interest in me too, and I'd never really had a best friend before... But Phil was the best first best friend I could've asked for.
And now he's amazingPhil internet sensation.
We're Dan and Phil, this is a life I'd never have dreamed of, when I'd taken on law study's.
That's why no matter what my dad says to me, how many times he hurts me, or how many times I punish myself. I'll always, truly, completely, love you, Phil.
I don't know what's going on, because inside, I know I'm gay, but I go through phases throughout the day of anger and denial, to the point where I'm punishing myself for nothing. Though I'm punishing Phil more.
I wiped my eyes with my sleeves and stood up, walking towards the bathroom.
Glaring at myself in the mirror.
"Gay shit" I hissed. Glancing at my puffy eyes, and faint marks against my skin where the bruise had started to heal.
I pulled forwards the mirror slightly, reaching my hand round the back, where I'd hidden a blade, held still with cellotape.
I stared down at the metal in my hand, an odd feeling of déjà vu, round the age of 18, my life consisted of this motion, every day. Before I'd talked to Phil and he'd told me I was too important to let myself be hurt like this, and that he'd help me get through it.
Within 2 months, I was clean, and have been until recently.
I pulled down my jeans slightly, revealing the flesh of my hips and thighs.
I sighed, knowing I needed the punishment, holding the blade cautiously, careful not to cut my thumb, I dragged it along my upper thigh, the skin splitting cleanly, a slim line, overruled with blood, seeking through bit by bit, I carried on.
One by one, slice after slice after slice.
Staring down at my tattered leg, covered in blood.
I shrugged, pressing tissue to my thigh, so I wouldn't ruin my jeans.
"Just call me a crazed- attention whore" I muttered.
Phil's P.O.V
It'd been an hour of just walking around London, people walk their dogs a lot at this time in the evening, I wish me and Dan had a dog.
I smiled at the thought, I really loved animals, especially dogs, I liked how they're always happy, spreading positivity like magic.
I want a dog so badly.
I'll ask Dan when I get back home, I was nearing the apartment now, it was getting late.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Home!" I called as I entered the apartment.
Dan scrambled to his feet hastily, off the sofa, making his way towards me, throwing his arms around my waist.
'I didn't think you were coming home' he mumbled into my shoulder.
"Hey! Don't think like that okay? This is home, its where the heart is" I giggled.
He laughed, kissing my cheek quickly and sitting back down on the sofa. I brushed it off though, I couldn't bare to worry about it anymore, I'd just let it happen.
"Hey Dan, speaking of home, can we have a dog?" I said, jumping onto to sofa, sitting with my legs crossed, facing him, grinning.
He laughed, turning to me.
"What about the landlord? Are we even aloud pet's?" He asked.
"Ugh, he's so mean! Can't we keep it a secret? Just give it so many cuddles and lots of love, and sneak it out of the building for walks?" I asked eager.
"That's what I have you for, Phil" he said smirking "You give me cuddles and lots of love, what would I need a dog for?"
My face fell, disappointed.
"I don't know" I shrugged.
"Hey! Don't be sad okay? We can get a dog of course! I think we just need to sort ourselves out financially first okay? Speak to the landlord, as well. We already have Dil! And Susan-"
"And Susan 2" I cut him off giggling, referring to our latest video.
"And Susan two! See? We can get a dog, okay? But not just yet, Phil" he said.
He pulled me in by the neck of my collar, kissing me firmly, it was strange that someone who speaks so softly and smiles so much have such firm and demanding lips? No passion.
I kissed back, letting my fingers hold his neck. He let me hold on, as usual, he didn't even flinch, I was the only person, Dan let touch his neck.
Dan pulled away first, turning towards the tv, no expression on his face at all.
I waited a minute, before he stood up and walked down the corridor, locking the bathroom door behind him. But I didn't hear the toilet lid open, or the shower, or tap turn on, what was he doing in there?
