Phil's P.O.V
I opened my eyes groggily, Dan was sat up next to me wrapped up in the duvet, two empty bottles of vodka by his side.
What time was it?
I turned to look at my clock, 11:35am.
"Dan? When did you get alcohol?" I asked sleepily.
"I went out at around 10, Then got back in bed and drank it" He slurred.
"It's only morning! What are you doing drinking?' I yawned cuddling back into him under the duvet.
"It's my life, alright? I can do what I please, your not my boyfriend Phil. You don't need to worry. I'm not a fag so don't treat me like one" he hissed, tensing up.
I frowned, but remained silent, I'd never win.
I turned away from him, facing the wall.
"Phil?" He whispered.
I didn't want to answer. If I did he'd only try and make out with me, or kiss my neck as an apology.
I just sighed.
I felt him reach for my hand in an attempt to hold it.
"I'm not even gay either Dan okay? Stop fucking flirting with me" I hissed, I rarely swore, but I was too wound up to care.
"Don't act innocent Phil! You always do this, act like I'm the only one messing with you, you mess with me too Phil" he sighed.
"So? You make everything worse, you've ruined everything, I knew you were a mistake Dan, ever since I fucking met you! I knew there was no hope!" I burst into tears as soon as I'd said it. Of course I didn't mean it.
"Why are you crying? You're the one who said it, fuck you!" He spat sitting up and throwing the sheets off him.
I knew this would become a huge thing soon enough.
"I don't want to argue Dan, I'm sorry okay? I didn't mean it, you know I love you and you have always been my best friend, you haven't ruined anything" I babbled tearily, trying to fix the damage done.
He sighed and leaned against my wall.
"I don't get you" he mumbled after a minute. "You flirt with me too, but you aren't gay? Why do you do it then?"
My heart was beating like crazy at this point, my palms started to sweat.
"Just fun, the same as you" I said, hastily, climbing out of bed and folding the sheets, anything to not look him in the eyes.
But he was too smart for that.
"Look me in the eyes and say that then" he sighed.
I turned to him, he has a look of anticipation on his face and I didn't like it. What did he take me for? A toy? He's only been back a week and I'm already uncomfortable in my own home. I'd just do it, come forward after all this time... Now had to be my chance. He picked up a third bottle of vodka from beside the bed and swigged it back, impatiently.
"Oh you drunk, fucking idiot. I am in love with you. I always have been, twat" I mumbled, dropping my head to the floor.
I had a small hope that, even though he was drunk he'd say it back. That maybe he finally understood, we're meant to be together.
"Y-you? You love me? In love, with me?" He stammered, clutching the bottle of alcohol, his knuckles draining blood and turning white as his grip tightened.
"Why?" He muttered, running his fingers through his hair.
"Why? Look at you. You're just... So adorable and have the most amazing eyes and they light up when you talk about something you're interested in and you get dimples when you laugh and smile... Which is my favourite thing in the world. You are so considerate to everyone else around you..." I stopped myself and sighed "I could go on forever, Dan. About why I love you... But I just want to know, how do you feel?"
He blushed red, tears welling up in his eyes, drinking from the bottle anxiously again. I already knew what he was going to say.
"Phil, I'm sorry, I'm not gay, I told you" he sighed.
"I don't love you"
My stomach went tight.
"Get out" I spat.
"W-what?" He said shaking, I wasn't sure if it was because of me or the alchohol.
"Get out! Get out! Get the fuck out Dan! I hate you!" I screamed, falling onto my knees in tears.
"Phil, I'm sorry, you'll get over it- me. I swear-"
"Over it? Over you? No. People get over a crush, or high school romance, but you... I've loved you for almost 6 years Dan. Without fault. Just... Get out of my room" I stammered desperately.
He staggered out into the corridor, slamming my door.
I don't love you.
I let go, let the tears pour down my face, my emotions like a tidal wave, harsh and fierce.
I hiccuped out squeakily, my face breaking out into a wailing mess. I climbed back into bed, listening to the rain outside and Dan mumbling outside my door.
Before it reopened. I was ready to scream. When I saw Chris and PJ.
Shit.
"Hey Phil" Chris mumbled, sitting beside me and stroking my hair, slowly.
Pj sat on the other side and held my hand.
I sniffed and let out a shaky breath, but more tears came and came, I don't know why, but I couldn't calm down... I couldn't stop, my eyes were sore and my throat ached as I cried into Chris' sweater and squeezed PJ's hand.
I didn't know how long they'd been there or why but I'm assuming they'd heard enough.
Either way, I'd lost the most important person in the world to me and I couldn't let go of that feeling of loneliness, no matter who I was with or what I did to shake it off. My usual bubbly self emptied out of my eyes and inside, was replaced with something new, something different. Emptiness.
