Silence

Indecision

The struggle to survive,

Leads to purges of the heart,

And yet I am in a dive,

So where do I start.

Life is to complicated,

To ignore or trust,

I wish I was just hated,

Return me to dust!

Trouble follows where I go,

My number ingrained,

I shall reap what I sow,

Emotionally I am drained.

Decisions pivotal,

The outcome so unsure,

My life on a pedestal,

Why must I still endure?

Hate surges to burn my throat,

As I destroy all,

My heart needs a moat,

For I seem to enthrall.

Do I command my emotions?

Or am I governed?

Can I make decisions?

I feel I am just damned!

Rip my heart from me,

Feed it to a dog,

Tie my mind to a tree,

I shall drown in grog.

Answers I seek to find,

Nowhere to run or hide,

Why must I be so blind?

My time I cannot bide.

To follow the future,

To where no man knows,

It seems to be so unsure,

But it all leads to sorrows!

Take the feelings away,

Emotionless I need to be,

So as to avoid a fray,

I do not want to see.

Tear down what I have built,

Rip to shreds my past,

To then live with my guilt,

My life moves to fast!

Why did God create woman?

Just to torture?

I guess I must not give a damn,

My thoughts are premature.

What did I do to seduce,

Too entrap another love?

How can I have been obtuse?

She is but a sweet dove.

Silently I scream,

A return to a time of no analysis,

To escape a dream,

My mind is in paralysis.

Two paths to choose,

Which ever I take,

I will lose,

There is too much at stake.

Bleed me dry,

There is no light,

No matter how I try,

My life is at night.

To keep the old,

That holds something new,

Or to be bold,

And start all anew?

My heart I have in my hand,

My mind in the other,

I am a scale as I stand,

Too weigh them off together.

Decisions I can not make,

Nay wish not to,

I shall have to take,

No man should have two.

More than one would solve,

My heart torn the same,

My troubles would dissolve,

And only I am to blame.

Both deserve happiness,

But to both can I provide?

This is my favourite stress,

From which I cannot hide.

My time I cannot linger,

The war has no end.

To avoid the danger,

Pain and joy seems to blend.

No remorse I wish to include,

As I destroy our lives.

I fear the prelude,

To all that divides.

Answers are still so elusive,

There, yet not anywhere.

My brain is so unresponsive,

To what I should do or dare.

To wait would be to prolong,

The agony and ecstasy,

I will just have to be strong,

And enjoy the fantasy.

To love individually, this I can,

But can both accept each other?

I really need a plan,

So as to avoid all this bother.

The decision is mine!

The anger at my indecision,

Shows that I am not fine,

Am I to be governed by derision?

My mind is tormented,

Driven by want and need,

I am always to be haunted.

My anxieties need to feed.

Sadness wallows within,

Eating at my empty core,

I do not know where to begin,

Everything I seem to deplore.

Tears I wish to shed,

For this blight,

That seems to never end,

For a resolution that is right.

How can I be forgiven?

Have I ever truly felt,

For searching for a little bit of heaven,

On bended knees I have knelt.

For all to see I am fated,

To a life of lament,

My love shall be sated,

Who shall suffer the torment?