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You fell to your knees as you watched your partner get eaten alive. Even if you wanted to help, there was nothing you could do. You were out of blades and gas. You were useless in the moment where they needed you the most. Tears slipped down your cheeks as they cried to you for help until eventually their screams stopped reaching your ears.
When the titan finishes eating your friend, it turns it attention to you. It locked its eyes with yours making you freeze. Your mind was telling you to run as far away and as fast as you could but your body refused to move. Deep down, you knew it was because you were feeling guilty for being unable to save your partner. They were dead because you had gotten careless.
As the titan reaches to grab you, you close your eyes and focus all your thoughts on Sasha. You wished you could've seen her one last time but she had been placed on the opposite side of where you were stationed.
Their grip tightens on you, making you scream out from the pain and anguish that you were suffering. Soon enough, the pain gets too much that your start to disassociate from what was going on. All you could think about was the last time you had seen Sasha and how happy you had been.
X
Mikasa pushed herself to break her speed record as she heard screams. She knew it was coming from you or your partner as she had been placed beside you in the formation.
Arriving to where she heard the screams, she barely has time to process what's going on as she cuts through the titans nape to kill him before he could. When they fall, she rushes to your aid. The sight of the state of your body nearly makes her throw up. If she hadn't noticed your chest slowly rise and fall, she would've assumed you were dead.
"Get a medic! She's still alive!"
You had to make it. She wasn't sure how Sasha would react if she learned that she had failed in keeping her promise of protecting you.
X
Sasha tears immediately spill when she sees the state that you're in. She has to cover her mouth from letting out a scream as she watches you barely breathing.
Mikasa wraps Sasha in a hug to comfort her.
"She's going to make it, Sasha. I know she will."
Sasha just cries harder as her grip tightens on Mikasa's coat. She should've been there to protect. She should've tried harder to get them to switch her to your team. There was so many things she could've done but it was too late now. For now, she needed to be by your side until you recovered.
X
Sasha stayed by your side as much as she could. After waking up, Sasha refused to leave you side. She learned how to take care of you just so they wouldn't force her to go when visitor hours were over. She did everything she could to keep you in high spirits but nothing worked. Most of the time, you would stare out the window as you thought about how it wasn't fair that you had been able to make it out alive. Your partner would've still been alive if it hadn't been for you. You should've been the one who had died.
X
It had taken almost a year and a half for you to recover. Your body didn't fully heal but you could at least walk even if it was with a limp. Handling the ODM gear was out of the question so you had been honorably discharged when they learned you wouldn't be able to perform the way you used to. You tried to make a case but they wouldn't listen. All your letters were answered by telling you that you had done your duty. There was no need for you to risk your life anymore.
"I don't understand why you continue pushing to rejoin the Scouts, (y/n). Please help me understand."
You stared at her for the longest time, hating yourself for the hurt that you were causing her. All you wanted was to prove that your partner's death hadn't been in vain. You wanted to be useful but all you were was useless. All you did was hurt others. You would've been better off dead.
'I don't deserve this life. I'm the reason my partner died. If I can't help the scouts then their death would've been for nothing. I just want to redeem myself.'
Sasha stares at your words as she tries to process what you had told her. No one other than the commander and officers knew what had happened. This was the first time she was learning about it.
"I don't know exactly what happened before Mikasa rescued you but what I do know is that you deserve to live. You're not to blame for anyone's death. The only one's who are to blame are the titans. I know you and I know you would've done everything you could to have saved them."
You look away, unable to meet her eyes as you remember just staring while you watched your partner get eaten.
'I didn't. All I did was stare. I was useless.'
"Stop! You are not useless!" She cups your cheeks and forces you to look at her. "You can honor their life by living for them. They wouldn't have wanted you to blame yourself for what happened, (y/n)." You clench your eyes shut and rapidly shake your head. You were to blame for what happened. The constant nightmares you had reminded you that their death was on your hands. "Please listen to me, (y/n). Their death isn't on your hands......"
Sasha continued to talk to you but you weren't paying attention. Your attention was on the images on your mind that repeated what happened before their death. How you had lowered your guard and let a titan catch up to the two of you. When you noticed they were coming from behind, you were prepared to die but they jumped in at the last second to save you. With no gear or gas, you were unable to pay them back for saving your life.
As Sasha stared at you to wait for a reaction, you just nodded. You didn't want to disappoint another person after what had happened. The least you could do was pretend everything was fine after everything she had done for you.
