He Makes Me Happy (Shyan Fanfic)

Guilt

TW mention of self-harm

"Ryan, I thought you would never call" Ellie said after picking up on the first ring. Her voice sounded the same, which brought back all the memories again. Ryan was already regretting calling her, but he was committed now. He knew he wasn't just going to vent to her, but he lied to himself for a little bit longer. As much as he hated her apologies, he needed them. It was a cruel joke the universe was playing on him. He had an addiction the thing he couldn't stand, ironic, right?

"Me neither" He admitted, slumping down again the wall. He stared up at the ceiling, pretending this wasn't happening. "I thought you might want to talk" 

"I do" Ellie responded, eager to hear an explanation. There were so many unspoken conflicts between them that haven't been settled, she hoped this would an opportunity to at least get some closure. It wasn't outlandish to say she was also looking for a way to come back into Ryan's life. She couldn't stop thinking about that guy that was at Ryan's apartment the day she came over, though. "I'm sorry"

"I know" He had heard it all before. The cheating, the apologies, forgiveness. None of it mattered anymore. At least he wasn't supposed to let people know that it still mattered to him, he had to act like the scars were gone. But every time he saw Ricky being too close with Shane he felt that jolt of jealously and thoughts of how Ellie betrayed him flooded back. Still, he had to pretend nothing was happening. He had to act like every second Shane wasn't looking at him didn't tear him apart. 

That's why the news of Shane having to go back to Hell every day for work had bothered him so much. Shane would be away in a completely different plane of existence where he could easily get with any guy he want, and Ryan would never know. It wasn't fair to think Shane would do that, and Ryan understood that logically. The funny thing about anxiety was that it has no regard for reality or how much you trust someone.

"Who was the guy at your apartment?" She asked. Ryan paused for a moment and considered what he should say. He knew Shane was his boyfriend obviously, but did he want her to know? What would she say if she knew? 

"He's... someone special to me" He said, instantly feeling the guilt of his words. Everything he and Shane went through together and he couldn't even admit they were dating? "I mean, he's my uh... boyfriend" 

"Your gay?!" She wasn't asking, she was accusing. All the previous desires to make it up to him were quickly leaving.

"No, no, no" Ryan defended himself, "I'm bisexual"

"Ryan... how come you never told me?" for some odd reason, she sounded betrayed. For a moment he mistook her words for acceptance. he thought she meant 'why would you tell me? you know I would accept you no matter what'. Sadly, this was not the case.

"I mean, it took me a while to figure it out myself" Ryan explained with a confused tone, although he considered her words. Even if he did understand his sexuality while they were dating he was sure if would've felt safe enough to tell her. 

"You know that I don't agree with that..." 

"I didn't know that" He grumbled, feeling tears start to form in his eyes. His face was getting hot with frustration and embarrassment. This must be his punishment for calling her when his boyfriend was just in the other room.

"God, what am I even doing?" He asked out loud. "I shouldn't have called you, this was a mistake" He was suddenly having clarity of what he was doing. 

"Call me back when you get over this gay thing" She hissed. Ryan hung up before he had to listen to her rant again. He knew what he did was wrong, he knew it was before he chose to do it. He resented the nagging voice in the back of his head that convinced him to do such idiotic things. There was such a strong hatred for himself at that moment and he dug his nails into his arms.

"Fuck" He swore through clenched teeth. He regretted even thinking about calling her. He knew this would be the outcome, did he want to get hurt again?! The air around him was starting to feel thick as tears parted to spill down his cheeks. He felt more than ever now, knowing that the one person he thought he could call to talk about Shane now hated him. she didn't agree with his existence? This is exactly why Ryan didn't want to be out to people yet, he knew they would react like that.

He was scratching his arms to distract himself from the thoughts that were piling up. He tore into his skin until it bled, then he snapped back to the real world. The dripping blood made him realize what he was doing. This was not time for a relapse... not now...

His movements became automatic as he walked into Shane's bedroom, his eyes still raw from crying. He wasn't even thinking anymore as climbed into bed and put his arm around Shane's body. Ryan just assumed he was still asleep, but he was presently surprised. 

"Well, hello" Shane said, rolling and kissing Ryan on the forehead. He feeling a lot better, although his brain still felt a bit foggy. Then he noticed Ryan was taking in sharp breaths and his eyes were red. "Baby, what's wrong?" He asked, his voice dripping with concern. He thought back to that night and Ryan's panic attack. Shane could only hope he was prepared enough to help him. 

"Shane... I made a mistake" Ryan admitted, finally allowing himself to break down. Shane sat up and held Ryan close in his arms, surrounding him with comfort. 

"It's ok... whatever it is, I promise... everything will be fine" Shane soothed Ryan while running his hand over Ryan's back. Ryan let out a shaky sob and wrapped his arms around Shane's neck, holding him as close as possible. "I've got you"

"Your gonna hate me" Ryan whispered, hiding his face his Shane's neck. he knew it was true, but a part of him wanted Shane to hate him. Ryan felt guilty for what he did, he needed Shane to be angry.

He laughed. Of course he did. "I could never hate you" Shane promised, playing with Ryan's hair. "I love you too much for that to happen" 

"I called Ellie... my ex" Ryan admitted. "I just wanted to know why she did the things she did... turns out she's homophobic" 

"Shit, Ry, I'm so sorry" Shane said, pulling him away from his shoulder and looking at him in the eyes. He knew what it felt like to have someone you care about throw you away because of something you can't control. He wiped Ryan's tears away slowly, admiring how handsome he looked when he cried. 

"No I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called her" Ryan reiterated. He didn't want Shane's sympathy, he wanted him to get mad. He wanted Shane to be aggravated that he called Ellie, or at least annoyed.

"I think we need another rule" Shane said, brushing a piece of Ryan's hair back so he could see his face more clearly. He left his hand on Ryan's cheek and made him look up. "No more apologizing" 

Ryan scrunched up his nose. He was grateful Shane was there to be levelheaded when he felt like the world was crashing down around him. "I don't know about that"

"You got to make the rule about lying" Shane pointed out. His head was starting to hurt again and he felt out of breath, but he didn't allow himself to let it show. Not now, he begged.

"Fine" He said with an exasperated sigh. "Your difficult"

"I know" Shane whispered, kissing Ryan on the forehead, the wiping the tears from his face. "I'm here now" Ryan melted at his words. That's all he needed to hear after such a long day. All he needed was to know that no matter what, Shane was always going to be there. 

"Are you feeling better?" Ryan asked as they laid down. Shane looked better than he was earlier, but still not back to his full strength. 

"Don't worry about me, I'm fine" Shane said drowsily as he absentmindedly ran his hand up and down Ryan's back. He took in deep slow breaths to hide the pain. Ryan fell asleep with his head laying on Shane's chest rather quickly, exhausted after a long day. Shane couldn't sleep through the aching in his head so he just watched Ryan's breath rise and fall.