Taron and Me Book Two

Spam (as in the meat not the email section)

Matthew sauntered jauntily down the path, he was feeling a little better after his power walk. Though, I noticed he had been crying.
"Psst, over here." Katelyn summoned him from the bushes, holding a large bottle of gin.
"What do you want?" Matthew sounded deeper than the fiery pits of hell.
"You can have your job back, no need to thank me I just don't have time for reshoots."
"Ok thanks."

I didn't particularly want to get married, but I didn't not want to either so yeah I suppose I did want to. Taron was still like a Greek god to me, marrying him would be like eating raisins in heaven. So yeah I think marriage shouldn't be that bad. Especially when the husband is the definition of lust.

"I really wish I could be at your wedding ya wee lassie." Tyrone sighed and looked down at his coffee. I was confused by his choice of beverage as he had been know to say coffee was just dark brown cat piss.
"We could always Skype you." I said as I scrubbed at the walls of the tea trailer, I found cleanliness was important in the food industry.
"Aye but I wouldn't be there to show ma support, or advertise Tyrone's tea industry." He flicked his grass like hair from his eyes.
"Well we'll just have to sneak you in under a table."
"I knew you'd have a good idea ya wee tinker." Tyrone skipped off merrily, clearly forgetting he was meant to be on the run.

"Rosie my sweet, may I have a word with you alone in private." Matthew whispered in Rosie's ear.
"Ok."
They walked off, they found a white spot behind the portaloo's.
"What is it? If it's about your job I've spoken to Katelyn and she says you can have it back." Rosie pounded her fist into her other hand, this clearly had violent connotations of their conversation.
"Yes, I know, it's not that." Matthew petted Mrs Darcy who walked over to stand by his side. She neighed affectionately, I think, I was eavesdropping from a distance and it was hard to tell, she could have been in distress.
"Well what then, I need to get back soon, don't want another scrap with Katelyn, we're friends again now.
"Rosie I....urm something incandescently...uh." Matthew looked nervous.
"Go on," Rosie gave him an encouraging pat on the head.
"Ah!" He had a brainwave. "Got it."
"You have bewitched me body and soul my dear."
Rosie blushed. "Really Matthew?"
"Yes, will you marry me?" He got done on one knee and produced a ring.
"I'll think about it." Rosie looked away.
"Ah..um yes I see, take your time." Matthew stood up.
"Matthew, I'm joking, of course I will!"
"Really." Matthew's face lit up. "Oh my dear." He picked her up and spun her round before placing her on the horse. He then got on behind and they rode off into the mid afternoon typhoon of love.

Aww, where is my sick bucket.

"Love is an absolute joke." I had a slight feeling Katelyn was drunk.
"That is by far the most intelligent thing you have ever said." Brandon took the bottle of Gin from Katelyn and took a swig.
"No, get your own Brad."
"It's not Brad." He raised an eyebrow.
"What isn't?"
"My name."
"Which name." Katelyn giggled.
"Look-" Brandon didn't know which Katelyn he was meant to be pointing at.
"Oh, sorry to interrupt." Taron arrived with a snails like a thousand sunshines.
"What is it now?" Demanded Brandon.
"Just here to give you both an invitation to the wedding. We've decided to merge with Matthew and Rosie and have a double wedding." Taron passed over two snazzy looking cards.
"Sounds like double the agony." Muttered Brandon.
"Sorry, didn't catch that." Taron looked at him.
"I said sound like do-" Brandon was interrupted by Katelyn.
"Will there be a lot of alcohol or should I bring my own?"
"There will be a much as you can drink." I said.
"Ok we'll be there."
"What am I, I refuse to be anyones lonely date." Brandon shrugged, he was also drunk so sounded stroppy.
"No, you can please yourself, but I need a drink and someone to complain to."

It was the day of the wedding. I was not nervous because I was marrying a hunk, but Tyrone was quivering with fear.
"What if there's a drugs bust at the wedding and they find me?" He was chewing nervously on a teabag. He claimed it was good for the roots of your hair.
"You'll be fine, why would the police come today?"
Then a man walked in.
"Police, DI Lestrade. Have you seen a Katelyn Carr?" He flicked through his notebook.
Tyrone stood frozen to the spot. This was it, he knew it was over.
"Um, I'm not sure really. Tea?" I was nervous.
"No thanks." He looked suspiciously between me and Tyrone.
"Ok."
"Well I best be off, tell her to give me a ring on this number if you see her." He handed me a card then left.
"Phew what a close call, it's a good job I'm a master of disguise in ma wee suit." Tyrone chuckled.

Then I looked outside to see Richard's head on a stick and a leaflet just below it.
Sebastian Spam, wholesome and tasty, just like the man himself.