Sarah Paulson's Characters - Oneshots

⚠️ What's it like?

BDH x Reader
Warning: mention of death, mental illness

If you or a loved one are having thoughts of suicide, please know you are loved. My door is always open to be a helping hand.

It's okay to ask for help, there's no shame in having a friend. If you can seek therapy, please talk to someone. It will help you immensely. I've had suicidal thoughts myself for a very long time. It gets better. I promise it gets better.

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You laid beside Billie in the grass, admiring the blue sky with her. "It's the four year anniversary of your passing." Billie suddenly spoke up. "Did anyone celebrate?" You asked, looking over to her. "No. But I wanted to spend today with you... You still haven't told me why it happened." Billie cut to the chase, finally looking at you. "I can't tell you. If I tell you, I'll have to go out there. I don't know what's after the light. I'm scared to go." You admitted. "But I need to know. You won't tell me about that night. I was with you, then I had to go. Was it because I had to go? Please, tell me. Was I not enough? Did I not do enough? What could I have done?" Billie pleaded, now on her knees. Tears were falling from her eyes, sobbing uncontrollably.

"You were amazing." You broke the silence. "A-and you still are. But, you did everything right. You did everything perfectly. I just... My mind and body were faulty. I couldn't love myself, I hated myself because I saw someone as not good enough. Not brave enough, not strong enough, just not enough." You explained, wiping away her tears. "What's it like?"

You blinked at Billie's question. "What's it like... To have lived like that?" Billie questioned, sniffling her tears away. "It was painful. You constantly criticize yourself, you hate yourself. At first it's the small things, then it gets to the bigger things. I don't like my hair, I don't like my legs, I don't like my body. Then, you start to look at yourself like you're just some freak." You explained, shaking your head. "Don't walk like that, you look stupid as shit. Don't say anything, you dumb cunt. You're not worth a fuckin dime because you can't even make one person like you. And then you get into the spotlight. Well, of course they love you because of what you represent to them. But nobody likes you. And even when you find that person, they're enough. They're more than enough, but they can't compensate for everything. They like what you saw as garbage. They like the weird walk, they like the random shit that comes out your mouth." You continued, hearing Billie take a sharp inhale. "What you saw as flaws, (Y/N)." Billie spoke up, gazing at you with tearful eyes. "I saw those as the best bits of you. Those were the good stuff." Billie gently stroked your cheek.

"I don't want to go. I don't want to lose you." You finally spilled, Billie smiling softly. She pulled you into a hug, feeling you quiver in her arms. "You won't lose me." She whispered, stroking your hair. "I'm scared!"

"Love, I'll see you again. I'll always see you again."