Elemental family szenarios

I'm scared

Gentar's pov

Sopan: "How are you?"

I stared at the text, thinking whether I should tell the truth or not.

Sopan is a dear friend of mine, I don’t know what I would do without him. I've long forgotten what a life without him is.

Everyday I wake up, I check my phone, hoping to see a messege from him. Everytime I'm sad, I write him because he makes me happy no matter what he says or does.

His existence self is enough to make me smile. To know that I have someone that cares about me and would be there for me if I ever need him.

But at the same time.. I feel so selfish. Of course I care about him, he is my friend afterall. However.. I selfishly text him whenever I feel sad, not to vent, but simply because talking to him never fails to make me smile. Even for a minute, even if it doesn't take away my pain, in that time, I'm actually happy.

Almost everyday I ask him if he is okay, because I care about him. But that's not the only reason. I don't want to bother him, knowing his busy schedules, so that only reason didn't give me enough confidence to text him.

My second reason however.. it makes me happy to know that he is happy. 'Atleast one of us is happy' is what I think everytime.

My first reason is my genuine care for him, while my second is my selfish thoughts that gives me the confidence I need.

Once again I stared at the text on the display, then I realized that it has been more than a minute since he texted me.

Oh no! I can't let him wait too long! Come on Gentar think! What should I tell him?? Should I say the truth? Should I say a white lie? Wait- That's it!

Sopan

"I'm fine, a bit tired but I should be fine"

"I see, then rest well Gen. Remember to take care of yourself okay?"

"Mhm, I will"

"Good, then see you tomorrow at school ^^"

"Yup, see ya :)"

Not a lie, but not the whole truth.

'I'm fine' is for me: "There's something bothering me, but I'm not in the brink of a breakdown, so it's okay"

And 'tired' is for me: "I'm losing my will to live. I want everything to end"

I didn't lie to him, I don’t want to lie to him. I hate liars as much as I hate lying myself. So not telling the whole truth became a habit to me, especially if someone ask me if I'm 'okay' or how I'm doing.

Technically I didn't lie, he just didn't knew the whole meaning from my words. So I didn't lie to him, so it should be okay, right..?

If so, then why does my chest feels so heavy? Is it because I'm tired of life? Or maybe because I'm bottling up my emotion? Or maybe because I lost the chance to tell him that I'm not okay and that I need him?

Probably the third one.. I really, really want to let everything out, tell him the truth and let him comfort me with his soothing words. But at the same time I don't want to make him worried, I don’t want to burden him, and most importantly I don't want him to see that side of me.

I know that he won't judge me, nor will he leave me, but.. an annoying voice in my head keeps telling me that he will leave. That no one would possibly want to be friends with someone like me.

Sopan is everything I wish I was. Everything that I wish in a friend. Loyal, kind, understanding and polite.

But I'm not like him. I'm nothing like him. We might have the same interest, but our personality is not the same. He is an angel, while I'm a demon in human disguise.

I want to be like him, but I know that I will never be able to be as kind as him. Which is why I don't want to lose him.

If I can't be him, then I wish for him to stay, so that I can atleast protect him from this cruel world, to prevent his soul from being tainted like mine.

So my dear angel can fly with his pure white wings, while I stay in his shadows, protecting him until the day I die.

Life can torture me all it wants, but please don't hurt my angel, don't let that sweet smile of his dissappear, and don't let his pure soul become tainted like mine.

That's how much he mean to me. Which makes everything even harder. I don't want him to see my bad side. I don't want to lose him. I don't want him to see me the way I see myself.

Just the imagination of him leaving me hurts so bad that I have to puke. It hurts. I'm scared.