Conor Maynard Imagines

Alone and numb

You'd just got off the phone with a worried Mrs Maynard, she'd been trying to get hold of Conor with no success for a couple of weeks now and she was beyond concerned about him.

You'd managed to convince his mum that he'd just been extremely busy but you knew that was a complete lie. You knew he'd been trying to hide something for a while and it had recently become clear to you that he was struggling with his depression again. Ignoring his mum was simply a comping mechanism.

When Conor goes through a rough patch with his depression he tends to try and hide it. Hiding it from the fans he found easy, he could put on a fake smile and tell a few jokes and to them he looked fine but when it came to close friends and family it was different. To you the cracks in his forced smile and fake facade were all too evident. That's why he tried to distance himself from you, his family and his friends; he'd simply visit the studio more and socialise less.

You and Jack had been waiting patiently for a couple weeks now for him to speak about it but you were still waiting and you'd come to the conclusion it was time to intervene before he broke.

You made your way to his flat and let yourself in, making your way up to his bedroom where he was bound to be. You spotted him instantly still led in bed and staring into thin air, oblivious to your presence.

"Conor?" you asked softly, trying not to startle him as you sat by his side.

He immediately broke from his trance and a small smile appeared on his lips when he saw you. "Hey beautiful," he wrapped his arms around your waist pulling your body closer to his and nuzzled his face into your stomach as you ran your fingers through his hair.

"I spoke to your mum earlier," you stated simply, you felt him push his face further into your stomach but he didn't give any response so you carried on "She's worried about you Con and so am I."

"There's no need to worry, I'm fine," you heard him mumble.

"I'm not stupid Conor, I know when you're trying to hide something and I know when something's not right with you. You may think that the smile you plaster on your face is convincing but I can see straight through it. Talk to me Con, stop shutting us out."

You felt him sigh, "You don't understand."

"Help me understand then, tell me what's going on in that head of yours!" You felt his body start to shake slightly and realised that he'd started to cry.

"How can I? I can't make you understand something that I don't understand myself," his voice gave away how vulnerable he was truly feeling. You pried his arms from around your waist and shifted so you could lie next to him and pull him into a proper hug, his face immediately found home in the crook of your neck and you felt his tears making your skin damp.

"I feel so alone all the time despite being surrounded by people and no matter how hard I try I'm constantly disappointing people," he sobbed into your neck.

"Conor baby you haven't disappointed anyone," you told him soothingly while trying to hold back your own tears.

"But I have, why do you think I haven't spoken to my mum? I know the moment I speak to her she'll realise what a fuck up I've become and-"

"Conor, stop it," you interrupted before he continued as every word he spoke was breaking your heart even more. "You're in no way a fuck up. I love you, so does your mum and Jack and everyone, we're all so proud of everything you do."

"Really?" he asked quietly.

"Really, now how about we go for a walk or something. It'll do you good to get out of this dingy room for a bit" you felt him nod his head against your neck. "Come on then," you kissed the top of his head before slowly getting up and pulling him with you.

You looked at him as he stood in front of you hardly recognising the boy that was usually filled with smiles and laughter. You reached up and gently wiped away the tears that rolled down his cheeks then pulled his head down to kiss him, wrapping your arms around his neck to keep him close. You pulled away and rested your forehead against his, staring into his eyes that didn't quite sparkle as they used to.

"I love you," he whispered breaking the silence.

"I love you too," you whispered in response, giving him one last kiss before letting him go so he could go and change.

...

As you walked out of the building together you saw Conor cringe at the cold wind and you pulled his body closer to yours to share warmth.

Now out in the light you could see him clearly, he was exhausted and stressed, showing how his insomnia and the work he'd been putting into his album had hit him hard recently. His clothes that once fitted his figure perfectly now hung with a looseness that suggested he hadn't eaten as much as he should've recently. You cursed yourself for not doing something sooner to try and ease the emptiness in his eyes which reflected how he felt inside.

You spent a long time walking around the streets, just talking about pointless things, until you ended up at the park. You pulled Conor over to the bench with you and sat down. This time when you looked at him you saw a small amount of the real Conor back, it wasn't much but it was still an improvement and anything you could do to ease even a tiny portion of his pain was important to you. Even if you had to walk with him for hours and tell him about every single thing that had happened recently in your life it was worth it to you.

"people don't understand," Conor said suddenly, interrupting the silence.

"Understand what?" you asked confused.

"Depression, there's this preconceived thought that when you're depressed you're sad all the time but that's not it. At least if I felt sad I would feel something but I don't, it's just this big empty feeling that can't be shifted no matter how hard I try to fill it. I feel alone even though I have you and so many people who love me. I feel as if I'm a constant disappointment regardless of how many people praise my work."

You kept quiet as he spoke worried that he'd stop if you interrupted, Conor was never one to spill his feelings like this so for him to be speaking this openly with you was amazing.

Once he'd finished talking you simply kissed his cheek knowing that he'd hate if he thought you pitied him. You returned to the silence you were sat in but it wasn't tense or awkward, it was comfortable and relaxing.

"I'm glad you're opening up to me."

"I'm sorry that I started to shut you out," he told you honestly and you once again responded with a kiss on the cheeks.

...

You'd been back at his apartment for a few hours now and were cuddled together in his bed watching some rubbish movie that neither of you were really interested in.

You placed your hand on his thigh and squeezed it gently gaining his attention. "You should talk to your mum Con," you told him gently with a reassuring smile.

The small smile that you'd worked hard to earn over the last few hours quickly dropped from his face and a worried expression appeared "But Y/N, what if she is disappointed in me? What if she suddenly realises I'm not the person she thought I am and decides she doesn't love me anymore?"

"It's your mum, she's not going to hate you for something you can't control Conor. Your whole family knows about your depression and it doesn't change the way they think of you, they still love you as much as they did before."

"Thank you," he told you with a soft smile, he leaned in and gave you a lingering kiss before pulling away and wrapping his arm around your shoulder to pull you closer than you were before.

"I was just telling the truth Con"

"No I mean for today, thank you for making me feel something after spending these last few weeks alone and numb."

It was then you were sure he'd get through this, sure it wouldn't be easy but he was stronger than anyone you'd ever met and as long as he had you and people to support him this wasn't going to beat him.