I'll Keep This Secret For You

Chapter 80

A/N: Just a heads up to avoid confusion but a lot of the parts in this chapter are time skips of a few days.

Also apologies if your birthday isn't near Christmas but that's just where I've put it in this story 😝.

Bucky's POV:

I can't believe I'm actually doing this. But I have to. It's been a date saved in my mind for months, a special event. I've stuck to my guns until now but this is just too big of an impulse to deny. No one will recognise me. Surely not with the way I look and am dressed. No one is expecting me to look this way if they are looking for me. It'll be like hiding in plain site.

I walk up the steps to the school hall wearing my formal army uniform. I'm already late for Luke's assembly but that was the plan anyway so that I could avoid walking in with the crowds of people. 

I can hear the principle speaking as I step inside the doors. There are a few other stragglers standing around the outskirts that missed out on seats too which is good because it makes me stand out less yet again. Of course a few people glance my way which is to be expected when a soldier walks in anywhere but I just look back over my shoulder as if taking in the place and tip my hat down a little further.

I'm surprised I'm as calm as I am, but I am doing better, I have some coping mechanisms now like just focusing on my breathing. Plus I have this whole thing planned out in my head down to a tee. Come in, don't draw any attention to myself, watch Luke get his award, and leave. If I manage to catch sight of her then that's a bonus but I cannot talk to her. If anyone recognises me then this whole thing will turn into an absolute shit show but at least I'm at the door for a quick get away.

My eyes drift around the room casually and to be honest I genuinely don't know whether I'm specifically looking for her or just looking around the room as you do. Part of me is actually scared to see her, to see what she looks like; have I ruined her or is she better off without me? Is she happier now that I'm gone or still sad? And which do I want her to be? How much of our unborn child's growth have I missed? In fact how much of all of our children's lives have I missed? It's only been not even a month right? But time passes so quick when your young and growing.

However the minute my eyes do land on her my stomach knots with longing, sorrow, guilt and nerves. I want to see her so bad. I want to go to her and tell her I love her and kiss her. But I'm not ready. I did something terrible to her and I can never take that back. I'm terrified of what she will think or say if and when she sees me.

She looks absolutely stunning amongst the rest of the crowd - more so than I remember - without even having to try. She's not wearing anything particularly fancy, just a smart navy dress and coat with her hair styled into neat curls and the front pulled back out of her face and her usual makeup with red lipstick. But her expression is hard to read. I have a perfect side profile of her but I just can't tell whether she is happy, sad, lonely or what she is feeling. She just sits there watching the stage in quiet, patient concentration. I feel like she is putting up a facade, making everyone think that she's okay when really somethings killing her on the inside.

I can see her baby bump definitely a lot more clearer now than before because it has gotten bigger. She sits Theo in her lap who definitely seems to have grown which makes my heart twinge and bounces him gently to keep him preoccupied and Isla sits beside her looking just the same as always. Clearly she's bored because she tugs at her sleeve and tries to get (Y/N) attention. Whatever she says to her (Y/N) just shakes her head and frowns a little at her.

"Later." I'm pretty sure I can see her mouth.

I'm so fixated on them that I don't even hear Luke's name get called or see him get up to receive his award until (Y/N) is on her feet beaming proudly, clapping her hands profusely while still holding Theo. Isla jumps up and down beside her.