I'll Keep This Secret For You

Chapter 88

I wake up to the soft sound of crying from somewhere off in the distance. Somehow I've ended up at home. I'm on the couch and the kids must all be in their rooms sleeping. It's dark outside and the only thing lighting up the house is the fireplace.

An anger boils within me. I've had it with these babies. They've ruined everything and now they won't stop crying. I rise from the couch and slowly make my way towards the nursery. The door creaks as I open it and in the glint of the moonlight I see the two bassinets sitting in the middle of the room. The two little monsters in one each.

I saunter over so that I stand in between them and find each of my hands lowering into the cots.... and closing around the necks of my children.

I can hear them gasp. Blue stops crying while Lilly just cries louder.

"Shut up!" I scream at her tightening my fist and shaking her.

Slowly, I press down harder on each of their tiny wee throats knowing that I could squash them in a second.

"Its all your fault." I spit through gritted teeth. "It's all your fault she's de-"

"Buck!" Someone shouts and jolts me awake.

"Ahh!" I shout with a start and jump up from my seat looking around frantically, shocked to my core about what I just saw myself doing. "No no no. Oh my god please." I whimper and look around scanning where I am.

Suddenly my eyes land on Steve much to my surprised.

"Woah Buck, calm down. It's just me. You're okay." He steadies me and puts both his hands on my shoulders.

We just stare at each other for a few seconds. I feel so weak and pathetic and his eyes are filled with worry.

"No im not." I break down and wail all over again, clutching onto Steve.

He catches me as my knees buckle and I slump down into my seat. All he does is embrace me but what else can he do? What can you say in this kind of situation? A hug is all I want right now anyway.

But I can't just break down. I've got too much to do. I already shouldn't have fallen asleep with the fact that I have newborn twins to care for.

"I'm so sorry Bucky. I can't imagine how you're feeling right now." Steve sighs as he holds me against his chest.

"I've lost her Steve. She's gone. And now I shouldn't be allowed near those kids either." I sob into his shirt.

"What? Buck don't be ridiculous. I know that someway somehow she will find a way to pull through this. And what do you mean you shouldn't be allowed to care for your babies?"

"I just had a dream Steve." I sit up and look at him, trying to control my tears. "I killed them. I blamed them for (Y/N)'s death and got so mad that I strangled them."

He raises his eyebrows in shock but then thinks of what to say. "Okay... first of all (Y/N) is not dead yet. You have to keep up hope and stay positive. Secondly, it's just a dream. It doesn't mean anything."

"My dreams always mean something." I mumble and then my lip starts to tremble again. "What if I flashback or something and actually do it? And don't say I won't because I've already hurt (Y/N) and Luke in the same sort of circumstances."

"Bucky I know you won't. I know you will love those kids and that is not the way you really feel." He huffs.

"I just don't feel like there's any sort of real attachment between me and them yet." I exclaim frustratedly.

"That's probably because you've got so much else on your mind right now." Steve reasons.

Then something else hits me that I haven't even though about yet because of said stuff on my mind at the moment.