BITTER SWEET. | J. JK

SIXTY-SEVEN.

She had always said that the most beautiful time of the year was when the first snows came around, when pure white spread far and wide through the city, when the bone crushing cold wind danced through the streets, when the crepitating of the small fire was her lullaby to sleep and, when she felt like she wasn't the only one who felt dead inside. Winter had casted his chilly whispers of warning and had finally settled, as January rolled itself through the time.

But, this year's winter had been different because, as the green consumed the innocent white and snows melted, loneliness didn't rustle her heart anymore, instead, a warm feeling replaced the void of the winter ending. Her soft eyes looked down at the precious gem who would always calm down at the sound of her old lullabies, the ripping smile that raised his chubby cheeks in every morning and the sweetest sound of his laughter were enough to try her hardest to make herself a good mother.

But, it was hard. It was so hard.

Millions had been the times when she thought she could never be able to do this, when she thought she wasn't good enough to raise a child. Yet, she struggled to prove herself wrong, she struggled to show her precious gem what was the highest display of love. A mother's love.

But, it was hard. It was so hard.

**

Dear Jimin,

People used to tell me that the best way to recover from a heartbreak was to let time heal and fall in love again, for someone else. I used to believe that was true but, only when I was placed in that position and got to taste how toxic someone you love so desperately can become, I realized I was wrong all along.

Time didn't heal my wounds, it kept them open to a new pain; loving someone else didn't make me forget about my truest love, it reminded me of him every single day. I struggled, I cried, I gave up.

Now, I believe in something different. There are all kinds of different loves, you can't never experience the same love two times in your life. And, it's your choice how they affect you, it's your choice if you let them blossom into crimson red roses and it's your choice if you let them wilt until they vanish forever. Some loves linger, some loves just tinge away, some loves make you smile, others make you cry.

I'm sorry for not being strong enough and overcome my pain. I'm sorry I wasn't able to show you what love really is because I was too selfish trying to revive a love that long had withered. I'm sorry for not being a mother good enough for you.

I used to believe that I never loved someone so much like I loved your father but, ever since you came into my arms, with that beautiful smile of yours I knew it wasn't true. I want you to know that I never loved someone like I loved you. Yet, I have always been weak to fight against my addictions and my demons. And, I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

I thought about doing this countless times but, whether was the lack of bravery to just do it, whether was the fear of letting you all alone I never actually did it. But, my dear Jimin, I'm so tired, I can't find the strengths to keep going.

I chose to let this toxic love to take control of my life and, when I tried to get over it, there was always a part of me, telling me not to. That part of me ended up wining and the pain was too much handle.

You've grown so well, I'm so proud to be your mother.

Please, don't make the same mistakes as I did. Please, don't be afraid of loving.