Two Sided [COMPLETED]

Chapter 41- no shame

SONG JI-WON'S POV

           Although I feel a strong surge of guilt and have a bad feeling in my gut about not going to class, I know that it's a bad time to leave him hanging. It's easy to tell by the fragile look in his eyes, and the anxious way he's playing with his fingers.

          "So... " he begins, and I give him all my attention, putting my own hesitant feelings aside. "Since he's at the hospital most of the time, the doctors decided it was better for him to transfer to a different, better place that provides more regular and daily care." He explains, and I start to understand. "It's back in Busan. Not that far, but still far enough for us to see him a lot less."

"My brother just smiled through all of it, pretending to be glad to go back to our hometown, but I know he really doesn't want to go away. And my p-parents..." he has to stop talking for a moment to gather his breath, since he is now crying softly. My heart hurts to see him like that, and I gently take his hand in mine, squeezing it supportively.

"My parents agreed to it. I just... I didn't think they would. I thought they cared more, but I think they did it partly because..." he lets out another pained sob, so many tears falling down his cheeks. "They see him as some kind of burden. Money wise for all his treatments, time consuming to go visit him often and bring him home, constant worrying for him... they want him so that it's easier on them. They're both gone for so long to help him with the move and transfer to Busan.

"But I'm not making it any better for him. I'm over here, c-crying about it in a bathroom stall when I could b-be there with him right now." He struggles to say, putting his head down into his knees and trying to keep his crying quiet.

When he does things like yesterday, or when he laughs at my anger about it, it seems like he's just an ass that has no worries. But that's wrong, he's just as human as the rest of us, and he constantly masks all this pain he carries. It almost seems to crush him further.

It might not be the best thing to say in the moment, but I can't help but ask. "Why didn't you go with your parents and him?"

He stays silent for a whole minute before answering. "I couldn't bring myself to face him. For a long time now, I've... Ive been a terrible brother. I won't answer his calls, or even text him, I'd rarely accompany my parents to visit him at the hospital, and when I did I'd use my phone instead of spend time with him." He seems to be getting angry with himself as he speaks, since his hand now squeezes mine too tightly.

"And now he's taken away from me, to suffer alone in grief and regret and the uselessness he feels." He says, pulling his hand away as he notices how hard he's clenching it. He wipes his eyes. "I fucking ruined him and I can't even bother to help, to just be there."

"Why have you ignored him all this time?" I ask softly.

"Because," his uneven breathing and stuffy nose makes it difficult to talk. "I couldn't take it. With everything else going on..." and I know he's talking about me, and all the things I did to hurt him. "I couldn't bring myself to deal with any of it. I was selfish and only focused on myself when he was suffering even further than I was."

And now he's a balling mess, shaking as he hugs his knees and sobs, regretting and blaming himself and his choices. I honestly don't know what I can say that will help, mainly because I know I have a big fault in his pain.

I put my arm around his hunched shoulders and pull him into me, hugging and holding him as he cries. He shakes slightly in my arms, and I know he's trying to keep himself under control.