Destiny's Gamble

Tough Times

A/N: Double update!!! Because, well, aren't we all losing our minds with the current situation? Happy reading xx

I lower myself onto the bed, my eyes staring blankly at a spot on the floor. Without making a sound, I land sideways on the mattress. By now I'm used to these sudden, anchoring spells of feeling low. However, I still haven't been able to lay a finger on the cause of it all. A tear slips out of the corner of my eye, trailing down my cheek and into the heavy folds of my hair.

"Hon?" Sushant says, stepping into the room. He turns on the light, a shudder rippling down my spine.

"Switch it off," I order in a monotone. Without delay, or protest of any kind, Sushant obliges. By now, even he is tuned to dealing with this state of mine without asking any probing questions.

"I'll get the kettle running." Sushant exist the room, gently shutting the door behind himself. I always drink the tea he makes - without the slightest of complaint - but it makes me feel like I'm swallowing sand water. Simply because the key element, cardamom, is always missing. Of course I've told Sushant how I like it. Unfortunately, he's never remembered and so I let it be.

"To top it off, he also knows you take exactly two cloves of cardamom in it. Nothing more, nothing less." A woman's voice flashes through my head; gone just as fast as it entered. I squeeze my eyes shut, frowning hard. Quite frankly, I do not mind the memory loss I'm suffering through. I mean, it's something I have to live with and I will, even if it feels like my entire life is nothing but a blank white slate. However, the factor that irks me the most is regarding these voices in my head, and the feeling of Deja Vu when I visit a place, or relive a certain moment.  Alas, I'm never able to pinpoint the incident that took place in the past, or who he is. The issue that tops all the others is definitely the male voice that keeps wreaking havoc inside my head.

"Angel," his voice invades my thoughts once more. I place my index fingers at my temple and rub hard in a circular motion. If only I could place a finger on the source of the voice, all my discomfort would vanish in the blink of an eye.

"I love you," his voice echoes. Even the slightest of hints at his name or face could very well lead to a bucket of much needed answers. 

"Who are you?" I hiss, tugging at the ends of my hair. It's almost laughable how I can't so much as remember this man's name, and yet he's responsible for frequent, lengthy spells of despondency in my life.

*****

"And sessions with Dr. Warner aren't helping still?" Sushant questions, as I take a sip of the tea. Without allowing it to rest on my tongue for even a second, I gulp it down with a straight face I've mastered over time.

"No," I say with a tone of finality, hoping Sushant will hear it and end the conversation.

"And you're sure you don't wish to change the doctor?" I shake my head. Regardless of how painstaking the voices in my head are, I do not wish to chase them away. Instead, I want to desperately figure out their cause. Shutting a door on them altogether is not an option. Besides, they're a major part of my past and I don't wish to let my previous life go just yet. "They're not going to go away on their own."

"I don't want them to," I mumble.

"I didn't mean to upset you." Sushant sighs as he stands up and comes over to me. "You know I talk about this because I care." He wounds his arm around my shoulders. At once my body gives a forwards jerk, freeing me from his entrapping arm. I shut my eyes, the distant sound of a male's laughter filtering into my head, almost as if it's taunting me.

"Sorry," Sushant says, trying his best to mask the irritation in his tone.

"I'm going to bed," I announce, standing up and heading towards my room. Even after spending six months with Sushant, I am still unable to allow myself to share any form of physical contact with him. It feels highly wrong and is the greatest source of discomfort for me. Sushant's annoyance at our poor physical connection doesn't escape me. However, I am not ready to give him that piece of me when he doesn't even own the emotional one. 

To be honest, I am highly appreciative of Sushant supporting me and standing by me since the day I woke up in the hospital, with no recollection of my past. Maybe that's why when he asked me to be his girlfriend, although I didn't view him in the same light, I agreed. To me, Sushant is nothing more than a friend who I will treasure all my life. He has helped me out emotionally, mentally and financially at a time when I'm unaware of not only my past, but who I am as well. This man has been kind enough to move me out of India and to a country where I am well able to receive the best medical help that's available for my betterment. I don't believe in fooling myself and so I know that repaying Sushant is impossible. However, I can try and that's probably why I call him my boyfriend nowadays. On the other hand, I'm not so sure as to how long I can continue to simply exist through my days, and not live them to the fullest, the way I should. 

Perhaps that's why I have decided to move back to India. For the past six months I have been a coward, by running away from my past and living in ignorance, simply because I fear knowing the truth about me and the world I come from. Sure, I am curious about it, but I also know I'm afraid of it. However, now I have decided that it's time I return and face it all with courage. It's high time I sort out the jigsaw puzzle that is me and my life. I need to put a face to the voices in my head. I need to know who he is. 

A/N: Firstly, I'd just like to start off by saying that I'm sorry. I know ya'll hate me with a vengeance at the moment, and I'm immensely apologetic for that. But please just hold all judgements at bay for the moment because the fight's not over yet. Manik hasn't given up on his love for Nandini and neither is he accepting defeat so easily. There's more ya'll need to know and you will in the upcoming chapters. So please, just have a little patience and rest assured that MaNan's suffering will end soon. Never fear because Cabira and I are here ;) 

So please don't hate me and plot painful ways to kill me. I love ya'll and I love MaNan, so rest assured, their suffering and yours will soon be over. I'd also like to say that ya'll can share whatever thoughts and emotions you have openly, freely and without an ounce of concern. Because I will never take your words in the wrong sense. We are a team and teammates share opinions, thoughts and ideas. So whatever feedback you wish to share with me, please freely do so. It's always welcome. And till MaNan reunite...enjoy the bumpy ride ;) Take care and stay safe xx

P.S I'm reading all your comments and messages, which means I am taking all your thoughts and emotions into consideration. So if you have something to say, you know what to do ;)