Sex Tape [Hemmings]

thirty three

Jo

        How do I tell Luke? Do I even tell him? How will I say it? Luke! Im pregnant. Congrats!  Or maybe, Luke, were having a baby!

This was something I did not want to think about until my thirties, at least, and long and behold here I am thinking of this when I'm still a teenager. 

Pacing around the tiny room, I sat on the edge of the double bed Luke and I were forced to share, a long sigh leaving my lips. Were having a ba-

"Johanna." Luke's stern voice caught me off guard, our bedroom door swinging open only to be slammed shut the moment after.

I wouldn't deny I was utterly and completely scared at the moment. Luke's usual pale face was red, the veins in his neck were prominent, and he seemed to be a lot taller then usual. I'd say this was out of fear, but either way, I felt a lot smaller then I really was.

"What the hell is this?" My eyes travelled down to his hands which were clenched into fists, a familiar object in his left hand. "Johanna!" I gulped, glancing quickly at an angered Luke, fumbling my words.

What do I say? Do I even say anything?

"Luke," was all that managed to come out, before his heavy breathing replaced my words, his face inches from mine.

"When were you going to tell me about this?" He growled, the tiny plastic stick thrown across the room, hitting the wall behind us then falling to the cream coloured carpet. "Were you going to hide it from me?"

A sigh escaped my lips, Luke scaring me more then ever. I dared to watch him cross to the other side of the room, his fists banging into the drywall. "You're going to be a great father." I mumbled, sarcastically of course, and I mentally cursed for that being the only thing I could bring myself to say.

"I will be, Johanna," Luke spat, once again his large hand clenched into fists. "I'm going to be the best god damn father there is. I will love that child a whole lot more then you ever loved me." Luke's deep voice hissed, his back turning to face me, his hand propped up on the wall to maintain his balance.

A tear rolling down my cheek, I looked around the tiny room, before my eyes fell back onto Luke. I made my way to where he stood, hesitating before wrapping my arms around his waist.

It was silent for a few minutes, and it was nice. The silence was comfortable, and after Luke's breathing had went back to it's normal pace, I could hear the sound of his heart beating even though I was at the opposite side of his chest.

I let my hands trail up and down his torso, feeling his stomach through the thin fabric of his shirt. Luke stayed in the same position for minutes, until he muttered curse words under his breath before turning the opposite way.

He said nothing, but wrapped his arms around my shoulders, my head burying into his chest. My arms easily found their away around Luke's waist, his head resting on the top of mine. Again, it was silent, and I found my self at ease for a moment.

Wrapped in Luke's arms made me realize so much I failed to notice before. I gave up everything the minute I let Luke manipulate me into doing everything he wanted. I could have easily let him leak the sex tape, and got into a new school like I had only a few days ago.

 I chose to put up with whatever he told me to do. I chose to let him manipulate me. I chose to come here with him. I chose to be with him, and I think I always will.

I had options, yet Luke seemed like the right one.

"I love you, Luke." I whispered, the faintest sob coming from above me. Instead of pulling away and asking what was wrong. Instead of jumping to conclusions, I waited. In silence.

"I can not begin to tell you how much I love you. It's unrealistic, a stupid movie monologue that get's people's hopes up. Being with you make's me happy, something I never thought I would be. In all my life Johanna I searched for happiness, and I finally found that. In you. I can't describe how I feel around you, because butterflies and rockets aren't in comparison to what I feel. I can't apologize enough for the things I've done to you, because that won't make things any different. Today, we can start something different. It takes a whole lot of me to express my feelings. To tell someone how I feel. Ive bottled up emotions for twenty years and I've finally been able to release them. You make me someone I've always dreamed of being. Around you, I want to be a better person. I want to be the reason you smile. I want to hold your hand whenever I can. I want to play with your hair while you fall asleep. I want to be the person you love for the rest of your life. Johanna, I truly love you more then I will ever be able to put into words. I will shout it from the rooftops if I have to. I will write you a song. I will do whatever it takes for you to see I care about you."

He took a breath, and continued.

"Were a family, Jo. Me and you. I know it's fast, I know, but you are all I have. Now that we are going to be parents we need to accept that. Iv'e been in the wrong, and I know that and have came to terms with it. I have done so much in my life that I will pay for, but you, your the only thing I've done right, even though I did you wrong. What I do, this, it will give us a home. It will pay our bills and will buy you everything you deserve. It's wrong. It's not the way we should live but I have to. This lifestyle has lead me to the one thing in my life I truly love. If it wasn't for any of this, I wouldn't have met you. Were going to be parents, Jo. Parents. I will be the best father and you will be the best mother. We will stop fighting. We will not continue to be in this kind of relationship. It's unhealthy, Jo. I love you, and I pray to God you love me too. You won't be able to love me near as much as I do you, hell, Romeo didn't love Juliet as much as I love you, but I need you to love me, because It's real, the things I feel around you. The way I will simply do anything for your happiness. I will do anything and everything to protect you. To love you. To show you I care. I promise you I will be there for you."

To say I was crying wasn't any closer to the truth. Luke was pouring his heart out, and I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do, quite honestly.

"I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge. That myth is more potent than history. That dreams are more powerful than facts. That hope always triumphs over experience. That laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death. I've lost so many people in my life Johanna. I seen my father die right in front of me, the feeling of loss so strong, I wanted to end everything. Now? None of that comes to the slightest comparison of how strong the love is I have for you. All I need from you is to stay. Jo, baby, please stay with me." Luke choked, his gorgeous eyes filled with tears.

The shortest laugh came out of my dry lips, my grip on Luke's shirt tightening. It felt as if all weight was lifted off our shoulders, and for once, everything felt normal. It wasn't, don't get me wrong, but I would take the feeling of normality any day. 

I only managed to nod, my thumb running over Luke's chiseled jaw line as my lips tugged into a smile. "Luke," I whispered, his forehead pressed against mine. "Johanna," Luke's lips were shaken against mine, his hands gripping my waist tightly. "Say it. Please." A tear rolled down his cheek, rubbing against my own.

"Always?" Luke choked, his hands holding a firm grip on my waist, awaiting my answer.

"Always." I nodded, his pinky finger wounding around mine, and I knew then and there I just signed up to spend the rest of my life with this boy, and I think I am okay with that.