Sex Tape [Hemmings]

fourty four

Jo

        When you're around someone so much, even for the shortest period of time, they become a part of you.

The tiniest thought of them leaving sends your body into repair, and if they left, you truly don't know what you would do without them.

You don't know who you are without them.

Almost everyone has or will suffer pain and sadness when they fall in love. It's life, and that's the inevitable part when two people in love with each other.

Some say its painful to wait for someone. Some say its painful to forget someone. But the worst pain comes when you don't know whether to wait or forget. I have a clear view, I have the chance to move on with my life. Forget Luke. Forget us.

My problem I face is that if I wait for Luke, to be the boy I'm hoping for, it will hurt. If I move on and forget Luke, forget like we ever happened, it will hurt.

This is the problem with getting attached to someone. When they leave, you just feel lost.

Everybody is going to hurt me. At one point or another, everyone I love will hurt me, and Im forced to find the ones worth suffering for. Is Luke really worth it? After all he's done, could I continue to let Luke hurt me because I love him?

I used to promise myself I would not give a special place to any one in your heart. I kept my heart grounded for so long, I kept my walls up until Luke came, and viciously tore them down. It seemed to easy to let Luke fill that special place, but now it is filled with nothing but pain because he did not know the value of it.

Luke didn't seem to care.

I'm trying forget Luke, Im trying to move on. But the harder I try, the more I think about him. The more I replay the moments we had together that were meaningful, the moments I believed Luke had actually changed.

The moments I dreamed about when I was a kid. The ones where you can just look up at the person and say I love him. Those moments, were taken for granted.

I've learned over time, the greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel the pain. I thought I loved Luke so much it hurt, when in reality, loving Luke so much opened myself up to all the pain he brought, and absorbed it.

Every heart feels pain, but people tend to express it in different ways. Fools hide it in eyes, while the brilliant hide it in their smile.

At the end of the day I smiled, no matter what Luke put me through. I smiled because it is so damn hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember. I smiled because, even with his downsides, I loved him.

I wanted Luke in every way, in the bluntest way possible. I wanted Luke, and nothing seemed to keep him away. I made him my first choice, my priority. I, was Luke's option. One in many, that was.

It's hard, the bare thought of leaving Luke, after everything. Some would say I'm crazy to still be with him, other's think its sweet - no matter what, we stick by each other's sides. In this case, It feels as if Luke's not really there, he's a figment of my imagination, and that figment is all that's keeping me here.

It's hard. It's hard just to give up, especially when its everything you want. Luke, is everything, and possibly more.

I remember all those crazy, bitter moments Luke and I shared. We were a part of a sex tape. A sex tape, and for one second that does not lesson my affection for him.

"Marry me, Johanna." It happened all over again, except this time, the ending slightly altered. "I love you, Luke." I managed a whisper, my head forcibly nodding, the diamond ring slipping onto my ring finger, ever so softly.