Better With You ✔️

38. Rollercosters

Kabir's pov.

"....no.."

My heart felt heavier than it ever did. My tears dared to stumble out and my voice got stuck in my throat.
All I could mumble was, "why?"

"We never spoke about this as such. Only a few times, but never for the recent future!"

"Do you.... ever want a wedding?"

"Yes!"

"With ..me, I mean"

"....most probably"

"What the fuck do you mean most probably?" I asked her. Not with anger, nor a hint of heart break. My voice was neutral. That's what made it scary, even for me. I always have emotions laced with my voice, tonight they gave away.

"kabir...I love you. I love where our relationship is. I don't want anything else. A wedding ...a wedding may spoil everything we have."

"So...you're just scared we'll ruin everything?"

"Obviously! I just feel...we'll fuck it up and I'll loose you. And this time, humesha ke liye"

"aisha..." I caressed her cheeks and said, " why are you scared we will fuck it up?"

"Because we always do! Like right now, my insecurities are fucking us up. Last time, yours did. Then later mine. And the list keeps going on...  Baby it's too difficult to manage wedding responsibilities when we can't even manage ourselves."

"Why do you always have to think about 'then'. Think about now. Do you want me by your side? Do you think we can be together?"

"kabir that isn't the point. The point is that relationship mein, we breakup, but then come back. And all these breakup's, they were in the moment. Yeh nahi..ki socha Aur fir kiya. But shaadi, after shaadi, it's divorce. Not a breakup. What if we don't think straight and end up getting one. And then when we'll want to come back with each other, our relationship will just seem like joke."

"Why are you worried about all this? Think about how we always come back in the end no matter what. If we are meant to be together, if we understand each other, if we love each other, then how many ever times we get married to each other, it won't matter. It will just make us stronger, like it always does. Haina?"

"kabir..."
I looked at her, she was tired. She needed to rest. Since I was already sitting on my knees in front of her, I opened the buckle of her heels to take them off. I looked at her and slid her earrings off her ears and kept them on the dresser.

"I'll sleep outside today."
She held my hands and with teary eyes she looked at me.
"I want to talk. Don't leave me like this. All confused"

"You're tired aisha. Rest. We'll talk kal."

"No keeshu. I need you right now. Please."
I sat down next to her and she rested her head on my shoulder.
"I loved your proposal today. It was the sweetest thing ever. I'm just scared to loose you. Trust me, I have no objection in marrying you. I love you. It's just that I don't know if we, as a couple, are ready yet. You know what I mean?"

Frustration was rushing through me. I knew she wasn't ready, She  made her point really clear to me. Why would she keep talking about it when I clearly didn't. I looked at her and with a tone too harsh, I said," aisha for god heaven sake, shut up about it. Right now, all I want is some peace. To think about us. Where this is really going. Two years we were together. 6 months we have been talking about marriage, but insecurities pop up today. Tonight, you cared more about our reputation than this relationship or even my feelings. You were never like this. You broke me a little today, but here I am. Sitting right next to you because unlike you I know for a fact that if I marry, I marry you. It isn't a 'most probably'. I don't think you even care about me anymore. I saw it today.i never said we have to get married now. I just proposed. Just made the fact that we will get married official. We could take how much ever time you needed. But right now, "'most probably' fucked things up."