Famous In Love

49

Clarke hurried back to the hotel after the kiss. She was short of breath and lost in her mind. She couldn’t explain why she did. The only thing she knew is that for one minute, he had made her feel something different than all the doubts of the last days. Clarke arrived at the hotel, running through the hallways. She was relieved she didn’t see any of the band members in the hotel because she was sure they would have seen the post of CelebrityNEWS by now. She had no idea how to explain it to them so she hurried in her room before anyone would hold her back and start to talk to her. After closing the door behind her, she leaned against it. Head resting against the door while she let out a deep breath, letting it all sink in. "So you and my brother huh?" Octavia's voice made her look up with shock at her friend who was laying on her bed, reading a magazine. "Octavia how the hell did you get in here?!" Clarke asked, still shocked by the sudden appearance. "The girl behind the counter downstairs is a fan. She knows everything of Arkadia and how I'm the pianist's sister also known as the model, who is also friends with everything of the band." Octavia imitated the girl. "It wasn't hard to convince her to give me a copy of your hotel room card." She said in her own voice again and Clarke looked at the magazine Octavia was reading, avoiding her friend's questioning gaze. "So? Are you going to explain the photo or do I need to drag everything out of you?" Octavia asked and Clarke finally looked in her eyes but she didn't say anything. She couldn't say anything. "I guess it is the dragging then. Are you two a thing now?" Octavia guessed. "No." Clarke said and she shook her head.  "Friends with benefits?" Octavia guessed again and Clarke scoffed at that guess. "Is it so funny for me to think that? You both choose to hang out with the two of you instead of going out with all of us. And a few hours later CelebrityNEWS has a photo of you two kissing. Does it not look like it then if you say you two aren’t a thing?” Octavia said and Clarke noticed she was frustrated. “Are you mad?” Clarke asked and Octavia’s face pointed at the ceiling while her eyes were closed. Her hands up in the air like she was praying. “I’m desperate.” Octavia finally said and Clarke could see the tears in her eyes. “Do you hate me? Did I do something wrong?” Octavia asked with brittle voice and Clarke closed the distance between them and took Octavia’s hand in hers. “No of course not. You’re one of my best friends.” Clarke said while she pinched Octavia’s fingers. “Am I?” Octavia asked and Clarke looked confused at her friend. “You don’t tell me anything anymore even though I know there is something wrong. You stayed away the whole night without telling anything. And then you never even explained to us what happened. You choose my brother over me. If you two have something romantically going on then I get it why you wanted to spend time with him but what I don’t get is that you never told me about it. Instead I had to find it out on the internet.” 
“There is nothing romanticly going on between your brother and I. I don’t know why I kissed him. You were right. There are some things going on in my mind right now. And I didn’t tell you about them and I’m sorry. But I didn’t know how to tell you because I don’t know what’s going on. I lately just don’t feel myself anymore.” Clarke explained and Octavia looked worried at her. “What do you mean?” She asked and she dragged Clarke with her to sit on the bed. A lump formed in Clarke’s throat and it blocked a way of talking. She just stared in front of her, thinking of how she should explain it or if she should say it at all. Octavia started to soothe her by rubbing her hand in circles over her back. “You know you can tell me anything right.” Octavia said and Clarke took a deep breath after she swallowed the lump down her throat. “Lexa didn’t go back to Los Angeles because of a photoshoot. It’s because I pushed her away.” Clarke said and Octavia looked at her with a questionable look so Clarke continued. “She has contact with Costia again and I saw their messages. When I saw those messages and Lexa responding to her like she didn’t break her heart, it made me mad and upset. At least that’s what I kept on saying to myself that that was the reason why I pushed her away. But in fact I hid the real reason behind that.” Clarke said and she looked into Octavia’s eyes now. “I was jealous. I was jealous because I could see her falling again. I might not be as straight as you think. And I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t know what was happening to me. I’ve never felt like this before with a girl. Only with boys but Lexa is different. She’s special. I mean we kissed before and I didn’t feel anything romantic. And I guess I didn’t want to tell my doubts to you because I was scared you would look at me different. And I didn’t want that. I don’t want it to change. There is already so much change.” Clarke started to rant and Octavia took her face in her hands and pushed her lips on hers to make her stop. Clarke froze and her eyes widened. Octavia pulled back with a smile. “Clarke, nothing changed. I kissed you before and I don’t mind kissing you again even when you’re into girls. You’re still the same person. You didn’t change, Clarke. You were always like this.” Octavia said and Clarke pulled her into a hug. “Thanks, O.” She whispered. “You don’t need to thank me.” She said and suddenly Clarke could feel Octavia’s body stiffen between her arms. “Wait a minute.” Octavia said and she pulled back. “You kissed my brother earlier. And I kissed you!” Octavia said and she started to wipe her lips off to her sleeve while Clarke was laughing. “Talking about my brother’s lips. Why did you kiss him?” 
“I don’t know. It just happened. He made me feel safe and it just happened without thinking too much of it. It didn’t feel right though.” 
“Of course not. The lips you want to kiss are in Los Angeles now. I must say you have great taste.” Octavia said with a smile and Clarke chuckled. “I don’t know. I don’t even know if she feels the same. There is still Costia you know?” 
“You’re going to find out because you’re going after her.” 
“I can’t. I’m on tour, remember?” Clarke said and Octavia sighed. “Alright when will you get back to Los Angeles?” 
“3 days.”
“Okay 3 days it is and meanwhile you text Lexa you will explain why you pushed her away when you get back.” Octavia said on demanding voice and Clarke smiled. “Yes boss.” 
“Good and when you get in Los Angeles, you kiss her hard.” Octavia said and she kissed Clarke on her forehead. “Now I should let you sleep. Love you, Clarke.” She said while walking to the door. “Love you too, O.” Clarke said and just when Octavia was about to walk out the door, Clarke called her back. “Can you not tell anyone else what I just said to you. Not to Bellamy and not to Raven even. This is just all new and scary and I want to do it on my own pace.” Clarke asked and Octavia nodded with a smile. “Of course. Good night.” She said and she walked out the door.