The Maze Runner Imagines

Newt [34]

A/N: sorry this one's kinda sad or whatever (it ends happy don't worry) but IT BE LIKE THAT SOMETIMES :')

 Newt's spirit was truly beginning to dampen. Not strictly because they had been through so much just to get here at the Right Arm. It was because he was coming to realize how small he really was. How little he actually mattered. The second in command thought he meant at least something to those around him. In the Glade, he looked after everyone and had close relationships. Or, so he thought? Tonight, he was really coming to see that he cared a lot more about those around him than they did about him. His friends were the centre of his universe but he wasn't part of theirs.

Also gnawing at the stem of his mind was the fact that he'd never be anyones first choice. Coming out the Glade, he thought he was going to be able to find someone to be with and take his mind off of the world falling apart. Though, that never seemed to happen. Newt knew he could at least hold a conversation and even though he hadn't seen his reflection recently, he was sure it wasn't because he looked like a crank. He was kind and smart, always putting others before himself while asking nothing in return. There had to be someone out there who was at least interested in him. In all the people they'd met recently? There had to be someone. Anyone.

He didn't want to base his self-worth off of desirability, but he was really beginning to question if he really was unwanted.

The more people they met since leaving the Glade, the less they seemed to care about him. It was like with every passing face that didn't care to remember his name, he shrunk. He really was just another person in this war floating through space with a head full of hopes and dreams likely never to come to be. Left and right he saw people, even his friends, pairing up. They were falling in love and all they saw was each other. Newt was invisible. Sure, all of this made him think quite harshly of himself for being bigheaded, self-centred and demanding of someones attention. But, he was truly wondering if it was wrong of him for want someone.

Was it wrong for him to just want someone to care about and have care back? Was it a crime or injustice to want someone in his corner? Someone he could trust with his fears and insecurities? He honestly wasn't sure. But, all he knew right now, was that there was no one out there who wanted him.

All of this thinking wasn't broken until he saw a familiar face walking through the camp below the cliff he sat on. Y/N was trying to keep up with Mary as she quickly strode through the camp.

Ever since they'd spent some real time together in the Glade a couple months after she showed up, Newt had Y/N storming his thoughts. Every night, all he could think about was her. He wondered what she thought of him and if at any point in the future something could happen between them. He questioned if he ever even crossed her mind in the same way she did his. It ate him from the inside out. And, despite his strong feelings, he refused to say anything. His ego always protected itself by telling him not to out of the fear of rejection. He had this reoccurring thought that he wasn't good enough and that she could see it. Though wholly untrue, he believed it.

Y/N was swallowed whole by the exact same thoughts as Newt. She questioned her own worth. She ridiculed herself for her flaws and deemed them the reason no one would want her either. In the same way, she saw Newt as far too good for herself and found it easier to just settle into the idea that he would always just be her friend. It was a painful thought to fall asleep with each night, to have your world centred around someone who probably didn't think twice about you in a month.

Tonight, Newt sat with his arms extended out over his knees, lips pursed and brows furrowed. It took everything inside of himself to just hold back the emotions swelling inside. He never, ever thought he could break down like this over something so seemingly ridiculous. Never back in the Glade would he have believed it if someone told him his second greatest mental break would be over just wanting someone to love him. Of everything wrong with the world and all the injuries to possibly sustain, his tears were saved for the hollow feeling of being unwanted.