One {Mark Sloan}

Future Nostalgia

"You told her not to have the surgery, you kept her from having the surgery,"

Alex burst into the attendings' lounge as he slammed the door behind him, he looked furious with a hint of scared and some other emotion she couldn't identify, he had been crying, she could see his eyes brimmed red. Renee was ready to take whatever was about to come, Alex was upset and scared, he would probably shout, get physical, scream at the top of his lungs but she knew deep down he was terrified of losing someone he loved.

"I didn't tell her not to have surgery, she had a choice,"

"No, Izzie needs this surgery, I don't trust your procedure," Alex yelled.

"Alex, you need to calm down,"

"Do not tell me to calm down, Izzie...I love her if she dies because you advised her to have-"

"I didn't tell Izzie, you have to trust me, Alex, oncology isn't....nothing is fixed here, there isn't any cure, no specific set of instructions. IL-2 is the best which is out there, you have to take your chances,"

"It's Izzie.....I can't lose her," Alex broke down as he collapsed on the couch and sobbed, he put his head in his hands his shoulders shook and he continued crying.

"Alex, you have to be strong, cancer...it just doesn't take everything from the one who's suffering from it but also from the loved ones," Renee said as she sat beside Alex and rubbed his back as he continued crying.

"She's all I have left.....I don't know what I'll do without her,"

Mark wiped his hands to his pants as he neared the gallery overlooking the OR, he could see Renee sitting in there, she was scrunched over, her elbows resting on her knees and her chin placed on her knuckles, it looked uncomfortable to him. He went over and carefully pushed her back straight into the chair before taking a seat next to her, she didn't question his presence there which honestly was good as he still needed a few more minutes before asking the big question. He could see the tension on her face, he was sure she would age before him, Alison Clark had collapsed and was undergoing surgery which was happening before them, the girl was supposed to be an example for Izzie to trust the IL-2 process.

He didn't know how to initiate the question and the conversation about them moving together, he had done this before, he knew how to do this, he rubbed his hands yet again to his scrub pants and then turned to her about to ask the question.

"Why are you so sweaty?"

"What?"

"You keep wiping your hands to your pants-"

"I have to-"

"You're sweating profusely, the last time you did that when you-"

"When I? When I what?"

"When you told me you cheated on the Paeds nurse?"

"You can't think of one other time when I sweated this much?"

"No,"

"Unbelievable,"

"Uh, Mark?" she raised an eyebrow.

"I was thinking about moving in together?" Mark said unsurely.

"Wow, you sure you're ready for this?"

"Yes, I am sure. Why are you not?"

"No, I am not sure, I am not sure about anything, to be honest with you,"

Alison Clark's surgery was unfinished, she became too unstable to handle the surgery and was put on a ventilator, she was sure of the IL-2 course and its effects but she could see the doubt swirling in Cristina's and Meredith's eyes as they stood in front of her in her cabin. They shared a look as of deciding whether or not to say anything, Renee waited for one of them to speak up but neither could muster up the courage to say anything.

"Speak up,"

"We pushed Izzie away from having the surgery....because we're her friends but I don't have...Alison Clark wasn't supposed to be on ventilator support," Cristina said.

"In an ideal world Alison shouldn't have developed cancer, she shouldn't have but she did, what does this say Yang? Grey?"

"We know it's not ideal...but Izzie...we don't know what's right," Meredith said with a sigh.

"We don't either. Cancer has no cure, it's based on previous cases and assumptions, we could never be sure if this works or if this doesn't,"

"But IL-2...it didn't work,"

"It did, it did how much ever it could have done, Alison had three months to live...IL-2 gave her two years,"

"We think Izzie should have the surgery,"

"Are you thinking as her friends or as her doctors?"

Soon after Christina and Meredith left Derek entered, he had a tensed look on his face as he took a seat in front of her, he had a frown on his face as he ran his hand through his hair before hanging his head down. Renee was feeling as if she had suddenly become a psychiatrist and was holding sessions, she looked over at Derek as he tapped the table with his fingers repetitively, she sighed before taking a hold of his hand and making him stop.

"What happened?"

"Izzie's signing a DNR," Derek said.

"Why?"

"She said she doesn't want to end up like a vegetable,"

"You'll just have to make sure that doesn't happen,"

Izzie had agreed for surgery and it seemed as if Alex flipped, he had spent the entire day trying to convince her to have the surgery but now that she was having it, it was flipping him off, Renee was standing near the OR ready to scrub in as she watched them. Alex loved Izzie and she loved him, over the years Renee thought that seeing couples break up because of this disease would get easy but it never did. There were times when she couldn't help but think why was she doing this when there were much easier jobs which didn't leave you emotionally crippled and this, the interaction between Izzie and Alex was one of those times.

"Please,"

"Alex..."

"Look, you went crazy. When Denny signed that D.N.R, you went crazy. Is that what you want? you want me cutting L-VADs?"

"No, I..."

"You want to wreck my career? 'cause I will. I will freakin' cut L-VADs before I let you...Just st ... just wait, stop. You don't get to quit. You don't get to quit on me. Please ... tear it up. The D.N.R ... tear it up,"

"Where your eyes are supposed to be right now, I see white sandy beaches ... And there's an ocean behind your head, And there are ghosts wandering in and out. I can't live like this. And I can't live ...If something goes wrong in that surgery, I don't want any extraordinary measures taken to keep me alive. It's not what I want. I went crazy when Denny signed the D.N.R because I didn't understand. I didn't understand, but now I do. And I need you to understand. I don't want you to go crazy. I want you to have a brilliant career, And I hope that I get to be here for that, but if I can't, I just want to go to the other side. I don't know what's there, but it's gotta be better Than hospital beds and tubes down my throat, So please ... please don't cut L-VADs. Just ... If it comes down to it, Just let me go,"

Renee looked away from them as they kissed and saw Mark by the nurses' station completing his chart, she hadn't answered his question, she didn't give him a yes on moving in maybe it was because of the past that lingered in. It wasn't that she didn't trust him, she did but moving in was a huge step for them and they had decided to go slow, take their time and this definitely didn't count as taking it slow.

"And right now, kiss me. Please, please just kiss me, and close your eyes, because the beach is so distracting,"

Guess who's back!!!