Saturday, December 26, 2020
~~~
I'm sorry for all the delays, things just keep happening and I'm just tired.
The holidays are always tiring, almost more than school honestly.
Usually my family is in a mad dash to celebrate with the rest of the family in the state, then we're packing and rushing up to the Dakotas to spend Christmas with my mom's family there. Long car ride then dealing with my grandparents (who I love but half the time I'm pretending to be interested or happy or any positive emotion) then sleeping on an air mattress in a cold room in a house I don't normally live in. Then the next day is usually Christmas Eve which is unpacking, doing last minute decorating, catching up (I usually just read during this because the wifi is horrible), then it's dressing up and going to Mass (yay......) and coming back late. Next day and now we're doing stockings then it's breakfast and getting dressed and going over to more family and then it's back to the house for more family and presents and back to sleep after hours of socializing without rest and now it's painful social lounging with family for days until we can finally go home and collapse into bed.
The next day is unpacking and then presents at home and then it's finally breaking down and screaming (internally, never externally of course) and having less than a week to try and finish homework, calm down and deal with burnout, and recharge.
But last year my family (in house family) was sick (my mom was pushing us so hard to make it but I just couldn't handle it and was planning on faking being sick but then I actually was sick so ;-; ). And now Covid.
And honestly? Even though I had to deal with 2 zooms on Christmas Day (first one wasn't that bad the second one was an hour and a half of conversation that I wasn't interested in at all) then another zoom with the same people (second zoom from the first day) today for an hour when my mom promised me it would be much shorter, I would take it over having to deal with the overwhelming chaotic mess that is usually my holidays.
Because we finally spent Christmas at home.
Everyone always talks about Christmas at home, their favorite traditions like the tree and lights, but I never got that. My traditions were packing the car even though you just wanted to sleep at home and sitting in a car for hours/days until you finally make it to your grandparents who you have little connect to outside of blood and a handful of hobbies you know and jumbled names of people they're friends with/associated with to spend Christmas smiling and feeling low key uncomfortable around for days until you get back home and collapse from the social strain it took on you. And sure there are happy memories, but these last two years I got to enjoy the feeling of home, of sleeping in my own bed, of waking up on Christmas morning to go to my kitchen and eat something, to sit in my carpet and my couch and relax (ish), to be able to breath, to have my own space to go to so my battery isn't drained too much.
And I love it.
I feel like I actually have control now, over myself and my moods. I feel better, a lot better.
And I know it's not going to last, it'd be too good for it to, but I'll hang on to it as much as I can.
Stay safe kiddos, remember to take time for yourself.
Love you all <3<3<3
~Ink
