Wednesday, September 30, 2020
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A sight into myself I wish you didn't have to see, but you deserve to know.
And this is going to read like a confession to my friend, I was typing up something for 10 minutes but my phone locked down before I could send it, so this is kind of me getting out that nervous energy?
Please don't comment all over this, comment anything you feel you need to at the end please, it'd be best to read it all out then respond. Please.
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This is going to be hard to read, so let me say a few things first:
1. You are not responsible for this. Anything I talk about is because of things in my head I'll never be able to explain fully, and it may never make sense, but know that none of it is your fault in any way, shape, or form.
2. This is going to be very hard to read, so please read when in a stable mental state. Please, don't read this when unstable or feeling down, it's just going to make it worse and I don't want to hurt you by opening up about some of this.
3. This is stuff that has been going on for a while. It isn't because of something someone said, or triggered by anything, I just realized that by hiding this from you I'm harming both you and myself. Communication, even hard communication, is key in any relationship and you deserve to know the truth.
I am a bad friend.
I don't text unless it's to say good morning or ask you're doing or how'd you sleep, I never just text you out of the blue about something.
I never talk about myself, I just react and reply to things you send or talk about. You ask about my day and there's nothing to share and I feel awful for constantly saying nothing, even though that's just how it is.
Nothing.
That's my life. Predictable. Nothing fun, nothing exciting happens. I have a test or I'm having a bad day, or maybe my family's forcing me out of the house for something. Nothing just, happens. I don't rewatch shows and text you random commentary, I don't randomly text about an idea I had, I don't- I can't take initiative.
I want to sometimes, gods I want to.
But I can't. Because the voice tells me no, I don't want to be a bother, I don't want to spam you, I don't want to upset someone, I don't want to say something that'll make you hate me or dislike me or make you want to lose touch with me. I don't- I can't make a mistake around you, because then I may lose you and I love you too much to risk that.
Because I love you so much, I love you I love you I love you. You're my best friend, you're there for me when I say something's up, you support me, you laugh at my stupid jokes and bring a smile to my face every time I see you texted me. I love you like I wish I could love myself, because I just know that I'd do almost anything for you, because you're my best friend and I don't expect you to say I'm your best friend, I don't expect you to say anything at all. All I want you to know is that I do love you, that I do care, even if it sometimes seems like I don't because I'm too scared to say it, to let it roll off the tongue or fingers lest it make things awkward.
Because I'm awkward.
And not just in a "over thinks" way, in a ever constant way. I over think my words, my actions, I second guess everything I do and think and say. I re-write my words as they leave my mouth, because it didn't come out right or I'm over explaining because I don't feel like I'm explaining it right, or I under explain because I feel li,e I'm talking too much. I'm polite because I'm scared to say or do something against the unknown/unspoken rules. I follow others' leads because I know that if they're acting like that then it must be acceptable for me to act similarly. I try not to voice my opinions that conflict with others because I don't want to get them defensive or mis-say something or make a mistake that I can't just autocorrect away.
I often gravitate towards the edges because I feel like I don't belong, like I'm an imposter who somehow tricked you into being my friend and now I don't want to lose you so I have to keep the act up, pretend I'm more confident in some situations than I am, chalk up the rest to "nerves" and "awkwardness" to turn attention away from the fact that I'm not like everyone else.
I'm not like you, I'm not like everyone else.
I'm not athletic at all. I can't climb a tree, I've never done it before and I'm too old now to start because now I'm just pathetic. I dislike walking in bare feet on wood chips because I've never been able to do so before and if I admit that I'm even more of an outsider than I already am. I'm not as active as you and our other friends, maybe that's in part to where I live and maybe that's just in part to my ever increasing awareness of others and wanting to hide from their sight.
Oh yeah, because I want to hide. A lot. Almost all the time.
You know I'm self conscious, but uh, it goes deeper. I'm worried I'm too loud or too quiet. I'm scared of how my voice will sound when it comes out, because it can come off different than I intended a lot. I'm scared people will see me and immediately be able to see how I don't fit in. I'm short, I'm round, I'm not tall and lanky like you, I'm not tall and intimidating like the others, I'm just a mess of acne and too much roundness everywhere. I fidget, I pick my nails when I'm nervous, I tap my nails against the nearest surface, I pick at my clothes, I'm constantly fixing my shirt, I'm constantly tucking my hair or tugging on the ends, I'm always adjusting my glasses. I just can't see the good in me.
And I can't believe this is all coming out because I wanted to ask you if you could reassure me that just asking our friend what she wants for her birthday would be much better than just guessing and feeling like a failure after the party, which I will have to leave unlike everyone else because I can't sleep over. Once again, odd one out.
Anyway, I'm really sorry for putting all this on you, but I felt like maybe you should know where I'm coming from, give you an explanation as to why I never text you and kind of reassure you the at I care, but I'm too scared to actually tell you that like a normal human being.
Yeah.
Okay good talk.
Stay safe kiddos and remember to drink water okay?
Love you all <3<3<3
~Ink
