Sunday, September 20, 2020
~~~
Dear my parents,
What to say to you?
I love you and hate you.
You've raised me but I feel overly pressured.
You care about me, and yet I'm scared of you.
Scared of hatred, of ignorance, of you brushing aside important issues to me, of you taking away some of the only things that make me happy to live.
Scared of the power you hold over me, scared of my helplessness because I have nothing to fall back on, scared of how easily you could take away everything that I am.
I wish I had a way to be secure, to feel secure. Because sometimes, even my room isn't enough. I never feel quite safe, as tucked away, as cut off from you and your prying eyes and ears.
Some nights, I push something up against my door just to ease my mind. I know realistically that you'd probably knock on my door if it's closed and it's night, but my mind screams warning bells and I cannot turn them off. Of course, two years ago mom woke me up yelling about me having my phone in my room without knocking so, ya know, maybe I have valid reasons.
And of course it's not like you went through my messages so many times when I was in eighth grade that I literally had to tell my friends to never talk about sensitive topics like anyone's closeted sexuality/gender or swear or talk fandom to keep myself and my friends safe.
Oh wait. That's exactly what it was like. And still is, to an extent.
I can't trust you enough to leave my phone by you for more than a second.
I don't trust that things I'm not ready to tell you and things my friends aren't ready to say won't stay locked away on my phone around you.
I don't trust that the websites I keep open on my phone are safe from your eyes every time you take it so I log out and delete and erase so much before allowing you to snatch it away.
My phone is what connects me to my friends, to the world, to myself. And you're not ready to see that, to see the extent of who I really am. I don't think you'll ever be.
And I can deal with that. I can hide it all away, I can keep it sealed away, I can choke down all the things I wish I could say. It's fine. Because soon I'll be able to support myself, soon I'll be able to be my own person, not an addition to the two of you. Soon I'll be going to college and I'll be able to leave this household. I'll be able to pour out my emotions and feelings and secrets and then I'll leave. I'll leave and not look back, not until I'm safe and happy and finally, finally comfortable with where I am. Then I'll deal with the after math with honesty. And if I have to cut you out of my life to keep me safe, to keep me sane, then I'll do it.
Because I so rarely focus on myself, on my wants and needs and schedule and plans and likes and priorities and limits, and once I can support myself, then I'll be able to do that because I'll be able to cut you out if needed. I can't do that now but soon I will be.
And while years may not seem soon, in the scheme of things it is. It's sooner now than it was two years ago, sooner than it was four years ago, sooner than it was six years ago. I cannot wait until I'll be able to throw all this at you when you ask where this all started, because here is evidence, a child's legacy, a teen's memoir. Here is where I began to record my thoughts and feelings and events, here with dates and times. My name may not be on it, but my pseudonym is, my pen name is. And some of the things I say on here are too exact for it to be anyone else but me.
Day, Month, Date, Year.
~~~
Begin.
Stay safe.
Love
Ink.
Over. And over. And over.
For 167 days, and more to come.
Day by day I create an insight into my mind, into my thinking, into my thoughts and feelings, into things I did and things that happened to me.
My voice flows from every word written, can you hear it?
My face litters the pages sometimes, can you see it?
My memories cut a stark image, can you bare to understand it?
Honestly,
[REDACTED]
~~~
Stay safe kiddos and please, take care.
I love you all <3<3<3
~Ink
