Thursday, November 19, 2020
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Three fourths of my newest update is just... outfit description. I may not a fashionable person, I have no clue about fashion except what I think looks good. So, of course, I described the outfits that most. For the entire chapter. Just, outfits.
*cries*
I honestly don't know if it'll be good but at this point I don't care, I like what I did even if it's light on action and heavy on "LOOK LOOK, LOOK AT THIS OUTFIT!! IT'S LIKE THE POLAR OPPOSITE OF THE OTHER!! BUT YET THE SAME!! AND IT FITS THEIR PERSONALITIES!! S Y M B O L I S M!!!"
Also, does anyone else have a serve issue with yelling?
Like, adults yelling?
Like, when an adult is yelling at you or a collective group you are part of?
Because I hate it. I hate it so much because I always immediately want to curl up into a ball and cry or say anything, agree to anything, just to make them stop yelling. I can't take it, I really can't.
Take for example, my drama teacher last year. Nice guy, kind of strict but that's understandable. Now, he would sometimes yell at the class as a whole, usually because the majority of the class goofed around a lot/didn't do their work properly. But by the gods I hated it so much. He has this powerful voice, great for the stage, but terrifying when he's mad and yelling in a classroom. And most of the time it was about stuff I wasn't involved in and had no part in! But still.
Or, take my science teacher during middle school. Very tough lady, but kind. I admired her a lot. But every time she yelled/raised her voice, I nearly cried.
I don't know if I get the urge to cry or give up or agree to whatever they say to make it stop, maybe it's because I feel like I've disappointed them and I can't stand disappointing people to the point that I do my best to learn what everyone around me wants to hear/see in my work so I can mold myself into what they want so I don't disappoint them.
Maybe it's because I'm scared of angry people who hold power over me and seem to be mad at me.
Maybe it's because I'm scared that people who yell at me are going to hurt me so I immediately try to placate them so I don't feel like I'm in danger.
The best part is that, as far as I know, there isn't a traumatic event. I have no reason to be like this, yet here I am.
Yeah it's great.
Idk why I started talking about that, I just was reminded of that by something I saw and it kinda resurfaced.
Stay safe kiddos, remember you're valid!
Love you all <3<3<3
~Ink
