Friday, December 18, 2020
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I'm sorry everyone, but I can't do the second Harry Potter book tonight, I'll do it tomorrow I promise, I just can't do it tonight.
I've had a questionable day, my emotions are all out of wack, and I'm overly anxious over something that really isn't that big of a deal but my head keeps building up anxiety and stress over it and I'm just not the best right now.
I have to put my ao3 fics on hold and it hurts because I love writing so much but I have to decrease my workload and pressure and if I can just make it to break...
Just make it to break....
That's really my life right now, isn't it?
I just need to make it to the weekend. I just need to make it to break. I just need to survive until then.
What happened to living? What happened to trying to be better? What happened to taking care of myself? What happened, where I can barely remember dates, just the names of days and what's due for each class? I can't remember to drink water, can't bare to do a simple action to help me, but can rattle off the homework for each class like it's nothing.
I look in the mirror and I see a shell. I smile and silently scream and cry to it but it all settles back to a neutral face of indifference. I speak out of turn on a call, immediately slap a hand across my mouth like I'm about to be killed even though they can't see me. I pick at my nails, my skin, my hair until I grab a pen and draw something, anything. I'm always too cold or too warm, I can't feel right, I'm breaking apart at the fucking seams.
I swear, I was doing better, I was better, I felt better. I want to feel that again, I want to feel whole again. I don't want to be sinking my mental health for a class on the brain, I don't want to be cramping my hands for a class about humanity's past, I don't want to be stumbling over words in a language I'm not confident in, I don't want to feel numbers burn into my eyes as I try to make sense of concepts I don't get, I don't want to be in school if it's just going to tear me apart, piece by piece by piece.
I used to love school. Funny, I know, but it's true. I loved learning, I loved understanding the world. I loved reading, I could live in those worlds forever.
Half the time I felt like I lived in my books, rather than whoever my friends were.
But now, I scrape at words with ink stained fingers, begging for them to take me, begging for the worlds to let me in, to let me escape with them. But no matter how I try, I can't escape for more than a few hours at best.
You know why I create worlds? Why I slip into worlds and play with them like some god? Because I'm in control. Because, no matter how bad it gets, there will be a happy ending. It may not be the best, it may not be everyone we wanted, but it's there. It's real. It exists.
But the real world? I don't get control, I get controlled. I don't get a promise of a happy ending, I get the knowledge that any second, any minute, any hour of any day could ruin me. All it takes is one snap of a finger, one misstep, one misspoken word, one mistyped comment and all I want to be, all I foolishly hope to be, could be over. The pressure builds and builds, the knowledge that if I make one wrong choice and I could ruin my life forever.
The pressure, it builds in you. Makes you regret ever existing. Makes me regret writing, makes me regret making friends, makes me regret not pushing myself to learn to drive, to get a fucking job, to be someone.
I feel like I'm screaming behind a window and no one can hear.
Fuck, that song? Waving through a window? It's right.
I'm scared of the sun, I'm scared of getting burned, I don't want to be hurt, I slam the breaks on my life all the time because I'm too scared to even start the fucking car, I'm scared I'm scared I'M SCARED
Stay safe kiddos, I'm going to go calm down....
I promise to be safe
Love you all <3<3<3
~Ink
