Sunday, October 11, 2020
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I just spent roughly 3 hours with a friend. We shopped around Barnes and Noble for 2 of those hours, just picking up books (I got 6!), then for the rest we wandered around the mall before ending up back at the Barnes and Noble's Starbucks Café inside. It was super nice, and though it doesn't really sound like I had a lot of fun, I did. I had a great time and I truly did enjoy myself, but I'm crashing.
I spent almost two hours formatting an update for next week, I created a cover and published a fic two people have looked at and voted on today (probably only because I told those two directly), I still have an essay to write, and I have chores to do.
I'm emotionally crashing, not completely burned out, but close.
It doesn't help that tomorrow is going to be a mess, because some of my classes are having meetings but others aren't and I have so much to do for some classes...
If I had just been able to finish my homework on Friday, I'd be a lot better off, but noooooo my sister had to get a shot and we were going to get ice cream afterward so I went along, but then my dad went to Dairy Queen so we never went to get ice cream, so I went along just to sit in the car and waste time I could have spent doing work and being productive. Almost an hour, wasted.
And now what?
I've barely gotten any sleep this whole week, including the weekend, I just barely got 2 updates ready for this week, I have so much work to get done tomorrow, I have at least two or three tests this upcoming week along with at least 2 major projects.
So not only am I long-termed sleep deprived, I have 1 more update due to be finished for this up coming week, 2 units worth of notes to add to, 3 tests to study for, and 2 projects to do work for.
I'll admit, it usually takes a solid hour or two of either emotional writing or watching YouTube videos to bring me back to life after school hours to just be able to make it through family time and then numb up for the rest of the night.
I'm slowly overworking myself, pushing myself to the limit. I get passing grades for it, maybe some happy comments, but never something in-depth, at least, not usually. I get it, I'm not mad.
I just feel so... empty.
And sometimes I feel happy, I feel whole, but then things like this happen and suddenly I'm empty, I need to feel that happiness again, but I can't.
I seem to apologize a lot.
I don't know why.
Am I trying to apologize for being in people's lives? Am I trying to apologize for existing? Why do I apologize so much?
Stay safe kiddos, be kinder on yourself at least a little.
Love you <3<3<3
~Ink
