Behind The Scenes

15. Jo

It was nice and... weird, at least for me, since it was the first time. It tasted mixed between sweet and salty... I can't describe it, but, all in all, I'm not complaining about this experience.
I am happy to have had at least a first time with Hero. I've always been a sexually active girl since the age of 16, and I think he's been before me, but some things I've never done before.
I've been with a couple of guys in recent years, with the one in high school it lasted a few years, we lived our first times together, but then we both got tired;  after high school I had another one who was madly in love with me, we were together for almost three months, I left him because after a while I realized he was not for me. I spent about two years single and it suited me perfectly. A few months before leaving for filming, I met a guy, but it was just a matter of a few bumps and go, it was just fun, neither of us felt anything, just a certain admiration in appearance and it ended very soon.
And now there is... him. I don't think my life will be the same after him, it's impossible. And I don't even want there to be an after him. I love him, I love him so much and I could no longer live knowing that he's not in my life, and that I am no longer in his thoughts. If life ever separates us, I will tell everyone that he was the most important thing to me, that I loved him so much that if he ever wanted to part with me to be happier I would let him... because I loved him, I loved him to madness. And I hope to can tell that for him it was the same towards me, that the love he had for me didn't allow him not to think about me for a single moment, that when we had a serious fight he spent sleepless nights thinking about what would become of us and how he could repair the damage. I wish I could tell about an intense, strong, very strong, passionate love, full of physical attraction, esteem, respect and trust; of a unique love, different from the usual ones, of those that change you for the better. This I wish I could tell... of how much we loved each other. For me he...
«I have no sleep» he says suddenly, turning to me and interrupting my reflections.
Actually, even I haven't, through thinking all those things.
«Me too» I chuckle a little.
«What time is it?»
I look at the phone and tell him it's 11:30 (in the evening, of course).
Neither of us knows what to say, the room is filled with an awkward silence.
«So...» I begin «how... how did you spend those five days? After we had that fight?» I need to find out something about how he feels and i think this is the best time, intimate and quiet.
I see his expression only thanks to the light emitted by the street lamps around the house when entering through the window. He blinked and opened his mouth to answer me several times.
«Any answer, I accept it, don't worry. I could never blame you, because in the end you're back here with me» I assure him with the most honest words I could say.
Finally he decides to reply: «Well, I... I passed them... like a desperate man...» he lowers his eyes.  From my silence he senses that I want him to continue talking. «I was desperate because I didn't know how to do it, how to be forgiven, because I was and still am unforgivable» after having explained himself better, he remains silent. Then he says, «I still don't understand what your intentions are.»
Well, my intentions are in your favor, of course, but I can't give you a second chance right away, I would like to tell him.
«What do you want to do with me? Jo, I know it's hard, I did a horrible thing, but I need to know what's on your mind. A single word is enough, and I swear to you that I will stop nagging you about being with me if you don't want to, but I will never stop loving you.»
I feel like smiling at his last two sentences. Now I'm sure I can tell one day that he would do anything to allow me to be happy.
«Fuck, you know how much I love your smile, but now I need you to answer me» he smiles in turn.
«Hero, I have more than clear ideas, but you must deserve this second chance, I don't want anything to be taken for granted in our relationship.»
He is slightly shocked. «How does it come to your mind to think such a thing? I would never take you for granted. Your every laugh, your every glance, your every breath, every inch of your body... I would never be able to take them for granted, because I know that, unique and as they are, just nothing is enough to take them away from me. You are mine, but you're not. You're always yours, and this is the most important thing, only you can decide what to do with your life. You mustn't allow anyone, me or anyone else, to decide for you. But I know that's not what I need to worry about, because you are strong enough to win anyone. It's me that I have to worry about, about my actions, and to make you understand how much I love you and how sorry I am for the suffering I have caused you. I'm sorry...»
Wow.
I am... I'm moved. I never expected such reflection, such maturity and wisdom. It's surprising.
Seeing me cry, but with a smile on my lips, he wipes my tears with his thumb and, after kissing me, whispers: «I love you, I love you so so much.»